Title TBD

When in Prague...

2009-03-03T00:02:00.003-05:00

What do I do?!? I am going to Prague in less than two weeks! Crazy. I don't know what to expect, but I know it will be awesome. What kind of shoes should I wear?

A song to usher in the next 5 months of winter

2008-12-16T15:55:00.006-05:00

Yesterday's "Feels like -28 degrees," coupled with the never-ending finals week, deserves a lovely song and a mug of hot chocolate for some respite.

Fleet Foxes' "White Winter Hymnal"...totally in love w/ this album right now...and the video has claymation!

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot

2008-12-14T20:04:00.005-05:00

S`io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening.
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains.
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys.
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me.
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair--
[They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!"]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin--
[They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!"]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all--
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all--
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?

. . . . .

Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows? . . .

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep. . . tired . . . or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet--and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"--
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all."

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow, or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all."
. . . . .
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old . . . I grow old . . .
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

power struggles

2008-10-02T00:30:00.006-04:00

Pretty regularly, I have an existential crisis over whether I should go into a research career, whether I should enter academia. "Am I cut out for this?" I've always thought that to do well in academia, you have to have a certain amount of narcissism. Maybe not to megalomanic proportions, but let's face it...you have to think that you have something unique to contribute to a field. As a teacher, you have to think that you have transformative potential. There is always a certain amount of power in these positions, especially given the power of the academic institution.

Who the hell am I to think that I have something unique to say or do? What the heck do I know about ANYTHING? I really feel that I am fundamentally more a student than a teacher. A lot of it has to do with a lack of confidence and self-efficacy. I'm just a young woman in her mid-twenties who grew up in a middle class predominantly-White suburb, and for the most part, I've lived a somewhat insulated, privileged life. Sure, I've had some struggles coming from an immigrant family; my parents have sacrificed a lot. But for the most part, I've been able to do everything that I wanted to. I think about how I wouldn't be here today if I didn't have these privileges, if I didn't know the right people. From one perspective, there's a major attack of the Impostor Monster going on.

From another perspective, there might be something dissonant between the highly competitive, individualistic culture of academia and my own socialization. Growing up, I was taught, "You really don't know anything." Call it fucked up family dynamics (In hindsight, I also see it as an intergenerational conflict between parent-child as my parents found themselves usurped of their power, knowing less than their U.S.-born children). But perhaps there is a cultural component, the value of being humble and blending into the crowd, respecting authority. These are all values that Filipinos (and I believe other cultures) prize.

How could I have the audacity to think that I'm somehow special? That my ideas are better than anyone else's? In graduate school, I'm told that the best way to learn things is to basically lock myself in a room with my books, a computer, and JUST DO IT (which by the way is completely against my learning style, which requires more active, even kinesthetic modalities). The message is that I should do all that I need to do to "get ahead" which connotes competition over collaboration, not to mention sacrificing any semblance of a balanced family and personal life.

I am not a power-tripping kind of person, and I really hate dealing with power-tripping people. Arrogant know-it-alls make me want to pull my hair out. Yet, I'm non-confrontational and when asked to defend myself or my ideas on the spot, I become flustered and shut down. Or I acknowledge the valid points of the other side and end up looking like I have no resolve.

So much of this is second nature to me. I would rather work together with others, each mutually respecting the perspective that we bring to the situation. Operating in this system that is so different from who I am as a student and as a person brings me full circle to the question: "Am I cut out for this?" Maybe the question should not be if I am cut out for a system that reinforces traditionally White, individualistic norms. Because I will almost always come up with the answer of "No." Maybe I need to reframe the situation and ask how my work and professional career can make changes in the system and the culture. After all, I am in grad school not just for status or to make my parents proud, but I want to somehow take my family and life experiences and channel them into something good for my community. So maybe that means making the system and the culture work for me and my community.

What I think needs to happen is:

A) Develop strategies for overcoming both the individual level challenges (increase self-efficacy through mentoring, increasing opportunities for leadership and professional development, etc) and the structural barriers posed by the institution of academia.

B) Find other allies within graduate school/academia who feel similarly oppressed and devalued. Dialog. Collaborate. Change the culture.

- or-

C) Give up and marry rich.

Adventures in Cake Decorating

2008-09-16T23:05:00.015-04:00

Last December, I was at home in BG and helping my mom clean out the kitchen pantry. I came across a nasty water-stained and moldy box of her supplies from when she took the very same class in 1986 (see pic, lower right). Though I had passed by that box so many times growing up, I hadn't really given thought to the fact that she never used it anymore. Since I had also started to take up cupcake baking last year, I thought...hmm, maybe I should take this to the next level. So my mom gladly gave me all her supplies, and flash forward to now when I finally got my butt to sign up for a class at the Michael's in Richfield. The class meets 4 times, once a week for two hours. It was also on sale for 50% off and at $20, I figured...not bad. Especially if this can help my not-so-secret wish to sell my cupcakes as a side gig in graduate school (seriously, email me for your small events).

On the first class, we learned the very basics. How to level/torte a cake (this tool is pretty awesome and totally worth the $3); how to make the buttercream frosting and the different consistencies (i.e., stiff, medium, and thin; different designs call for diff consistencies); how to frost a cake; and some other essentials. I just came back from my second class where we learned how to do stars, borders, dots, and writing (mine is really bad right now....so I decided to leave it for another cake). That all might sound pretty elementary, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. They're not kidding when they say that you have to practice this stuff. As part of the practice, we had to bring in a cake that was frosted and work on a design. What I came up with was pretty plain because I have so much work to do for school...but hopefully I'll get better with practice. And my lucky friends, classmates, and roommates get to eat all that cake!

Some lessons learned:

- Consistency of frosting is key. Meringue powder in buttercream helps it to set so that it holds shape better.

- Practice, practice, practice. We'll see if I can hone my skills effectively with my crazy schedule and short attention span.

- Exorbitant prices for cakes (save for CostCo, those prices boggle my mind) are pretty much warranted. This is a time-consuming, detail-oriented endeavor!

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters

2008-08-27T23:56:00.009-04:00

Watching all the speeches on the DNC, I keep hearing about the old story of getting knocked down by life and getting back up again, pulling one's self up by their bootstraps and not complaining about it. It makes sense; resilience and the redemptive self are very important parts of the narrative of the American Dream (a concept I continue to find problematic, but that's another issue for another post...). For me, some of the most compelling narratives involve overcoming what can be the most insidious force in life: one's self.

This is super nerdy, but I always think about this recurring quote from one of my new favorite tv shows, Battlestar Galactica: "God helps those who help themselves." I used to have a professor at TC who shared poems with us, and one day she gave us the following poem that resonates with this theme. The poem talks about having the self-awareness to recognize the reality of the situation, the humility to admit your own mistakes, and the fortitude to change your behavior as a result. Many days, I feel like I'm on Chapter 2, maybe 3, but I like to think that I'm on the way to Chapter 5.

--------------------

Autobiography in 5 Chapters

by Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost...I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But still, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in...It's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Farmer's Market Find: Kohlrabi

2008-08-08T00:23:00.017-04:00

In an attempt to 1) be healthier, 2) be more frugal, 3) support local agriculture, and 4) be more adventurous in my cooking and eating, I decided that every time I go to the Farmer's Market, I will buy one type of produce that I have little to no experience with. One of the first things that I tackled was kohlrabi., whose name comes from the German words kohl - meaning "cabbage" - and rabi meaning "turnip." Around here, its peak season is late spring to early summer, and it comes in both green and purple varieties. If you've ever seen this at all (I hadn't before this summer), you might be used to seeing this cousin of the cabbage without its green leaves, leaving behind a sputnik-shaped root.

If you are like me, it's always exciting when you can get more bang for your buck with two or more preparations out of a single item. Try to find kohlrabi with unwilted green leaves intact (same goes for beets, to be profiled soon). The leaves can be prepared just as you would any leafy greens such as swiss chard or kale. I thought that I'd do some thing a little different than a plain braise or sautee, and I was looking to use up some miscellaneous veggies I had in the fridge. I was inspired by kohlrabi's cabbage roots (get it, like origins...except it is a root...hmm, maybe not such a good pun) and decided to use the kohlrabi greens as a substitute for cabbage in pancit guisado (Filipino pan-fried noodles). This is a pretty easy dish to throw together with whatever veggies you have on hand that will give some texture and color appeal. Traditionally, it's got cabbage, carrots, beans or snow peas. My measurements are inexact because I literally threw this together. But I'll do my best to give you a ballpark recipe (see the end of this post).

As for the kohlrabi bulb, this can be eaten and prepared as you would broccoli stems or radishes. The crisp texture and flavor is similar, even a bit sweeter. Recipes I came across suggested eating them raw in salads or slaws, steamed, pickled, or boiled. I decided to improvise a curry flavored slaw, adapting a recipe for a yogurt-based slaw. In the interest of trying to be healthy, I used lowfat yogurt as a dressing. But I'm sure you could use full-fat yogurt or mayonnaise and it'd probably be a tad more tasty.

Overall, I'd say that despite lacking robust flavor, I do quite enjoy the crisp, clean texture of raw kohlrabi root. It's something I could snack on by itself. Save for the fiber in the root, the leafy greens seem to be where the nutrition is at. The kohlrabi was pretty cheap at the Market ($1 for a bunch of 3) and generated quite a quantity of food, so it is a good bargain. I just might buy some again in the future. At the very least, I would be able to introduce some friends to a new veggie!

Pancit Guisado

Serves 8ish

2 chicken breasts, cut into 1-2 inch slices
1 large onion, sliced
3 cloves garlic, sliced
2-3 carrots, julienned
2 cups green beans, sliced at an angle in 1/2 inch pieces
3 stalks celery, sliced at an angle in 1/8 inch pieces
3 stalks green onion, sliced at an angle in 1-2 inch pieces
3 cups kohlrabi greens (or cabbage), sliced at an angle in 1/2 inch pieces
1 package rice stick noodles (Filipinos like the brand called Excellent; try to find the kind that are made from rice flour, not cornstarch...which can get mushy)
1-2 cans chicken broth (optional)
Soy sauce, oyster sauce to taste
Salt, pepper, garlic powder
Olive oil
Annatto seed powder (optional, I didn't use it in this pic)

1) Soak the rice stick noodles in warm water for about 5 minutes to get them pliable. Drain and set aside.

2) In a large pan (like a wok), saute the garlic, then the onions in 2 T or so oil.

3) Add chicken. Season with salt, pepper, garlic powder, and 1 T. oyster sauce.

4) Saute green beans, carrots, celery, and kohlrabi greens/cabbage. You want the veggies to be crisp and slightly undercooked because they will continue to cook in the next steps. If you feel that they're too done, then remove them from the pan and set aside.

5) Add the rice noodles, which should still be a little tough and cooked more after adding chicken broth (water with chicken boullion will do in a pinch), 1/2-1 cup at a time. You're trying to cook the noodles and get them to a consistency that is pliable but not mushy/overcooked.

6) If you took out the veggies/chicken mixture, return it to the noodles. Add green onions. Season the mixture with soy sauce and oyster sauce. Annatto seed can be dissolved in some water and added to this to give it a nice pale orange color (more appetizing).

Curry Yogurt Kohlrabi Slaw

Makes about 4 cups slaw

3 kohlrabi bulbs, peeled and julienned
1 large to medium carrot, julienned
1/2 cup red onion, thinly sliced
3/4-1 cup plain yogurt
1 T. curry powder
1-2 T. cider vinegar
1/2 T. sugar
1/4 cup raisins
1/4 cup chopped walnut
1/2 cup chopped cilantro
Salt and pepper

Mix together kohlrabi, carrot, onion. Season with salt and pepper. In a small bowl, mix yogurt with curry powder. Add vinegar and sugar. Taste and adjust accordingly. Add yogurt mixture to veggies. Add raisins, walnuts, and cilantro. Toss until all ingredients are well combined. Warning: yogurt dressings will get watery when left alone. So you might have to drain before serving.

Some blogs for the foodies

2008-07-31T02:23:00.007-04:00

I've been quite uninspired as of late, but also feel the urge to blog about *something.* So I'm going to cheat and showcase a few friends who are much more dedicated, awesome food writers/bloggers than I! Prepare to drool...

Amuses Bouche - This is my homegirl Susannah's food blog. She always has a thoughtful, journalistic approach to her posts. Which is apropos because she is a journalist by training and most recently scored her DREAM JOB of food writing for...

YumSugar.com - Yay! Susannah writes for this food-related arm of the Sugar Network under the handle "YumSugar." Check it out, leave comments!

Inuyaki - My buddy Arnold's food blog. There are few people in the world who have the same love of food as Arnold. It shows in his writing about bringing fine dining to home cooking (he's practically a sous vide master), comprehensive and discerning restaurant reviews, and his holy-shit-that's-obsession Ad Hoc archive, which keeps track of every. single. menu. from Thomas Keller's Yountville restaurant since September 2007. (I've eaten there thrice and still dream of the day I return).

Psych and the Kitchen - A totally awesome and educational blog from my friend, T., who is generous enough with her time to chronicle her experiences as she pursues culinary school (in addition to her full-time job as a school psychologist!). I freely admit that I am JEALOUS.

. . .

And a couple of blogs from people I wish were my friends...

Burnt Lumpia - I love, love, love this food blog from a Filipino American dude in LA who is exploring his culinary roots with interpretations and experimentations based on classic Filipino dishes and ingredients (um, Duck Adobo Confit!), plus other yummy musings.

Cupcake Bakeshop by Chockylit - Best freakin' cupcake blog out there. Sadly, the author (I think she's in SF and some kind of engineer by training) has decided to stop blogging but will keep the site up. Which is good for us because the woman is talented. Her recipes are creative, sophisticated, and accessible to the home baker.

Hope you liked some of these links...I'm on a hunt for my camera charger so that I can upload some pictures of my recent beet obsession. Stay tuned!

bits and pieces

2008-07-04T02:37:00.011-04:00

Happy 4th of July!

This post is an attempt to keep my promise to my one devoted reader (Hi Paul!) to be a better blogger. You'd think with all this "free" time in the summer and being home in the Chicago burbs for the week would get me to blog more. Because it's 2am, I am short on insight and patience to write a more coherent post so here are some random tidbits for ya:

Fireworks displays should be set to classical music, not crappy contemporary radio rock. Just got home from the annual July 3rd fireworks on Lake Michigan with some high school friends....There's just something not quite right about watching fireworks with Bon Jovi playing in the background.
I miss my grandma. Last Friday, June 27th, was what would have been her 96th birthday. It's so hard to believe that she's been gone for a year and a half. My family had a little gathering over the weekend during which there was lots and lots of food and memories shared. The fireworks tonight made me miss her even more because we used to watch the BG fireworks on Memorial Day from our front window and doorway. I hope I never forget how Inang's face would light up with every explosion.
I'm kind of proud of myself because today was my first 3-mile run - and I didn't die! In fact, I didn't even walk! For the last 5 weeks, I've been running and it's so amazing to be able to notice a real difference in my endurance. The greatest miracle of all - I am actually liking running! This is really a huge thing for me, considering I used to say that my own personal version of Hell would consist of me running forever.
My brother, Walter, is running for a seat on the Champaign County Board under the Green Party. He is very passionate about local issues and wants to bring a fresh voice to the table. I hope that you can take some time to check out his website http://www.votewalter.org and consider making a donation to his cause.

It's off to bed before Part 1 of 2 in the next installment of Weddingpalooza...Christine and Brian's wedding. Check out their website because it is the most freaking amazing wedding website I have ever seen. http://www.christineandbrian.org - Yes, dot org, bitches~!

mastering the (re)mix: now with links and complete track list!

2008-06-12T10:20:00.011-04:00

Over the weekend, I spent 14+ hours driving to Chicago. Though the drive can sometimes get monotonous, other times I find the lush, green linear route up 90/94 to be meditative. I let my mind wander. I let my mind go blank. And of course, the music playing sets the tone. This time, it unintentionally ended up as a revisiting of past music mixes that I have received and made over the years. Although I am a little too young to have fully experienced the mixtape culture, I have always loved the art of the mix (coincidentally the name of this website called Art of the Mix that is a community in which people post and rate each others' mixes). Your mix is an artifact, a time capsule for your current feelings, thoughts, and preferences. It can also help introduce the listener to a particular genre, artist, musical movement. For example, the Ken Burns's Jazz: The Story of American Music provided me with a wonderful entree into this diverse genre. Personally, I haven't made nor received too many didactic mixes, save for a nice Aimee Mann mix I should really bust out again.

As I was going through my cassettes from home, I came across my first mixtape ever from 1994. I made it in the sixth grade and a good chunk of its contents were hardly appropriate for a 12 year old - most of Salt 'n Pepa's Very Necessary album, some Snoop Dogg (Gin and Juice), and Warren G. Not surprising that this around the time I was hitting puberty and teenage rebellion. As I was home this weekend, I found another mix I made that captured my teen angst and depression (Alanis Morissette, Fiona Apple). Another was a compilation of awful, mushy songs (Savage Garden? Oh dear.) that was a soundtrack to the romantic life that I created in my head. Creating a mix out of bits and pieces of music was a mode of expression in itself, albeit a vicarious one.

Then there were the mixes that I made for others and that others made for me. Honestly, there are few greater simple gifts than a thoughtful mix CD. I love finding the inside jokes, decoding the subtext, analyzing this rare earnest glimpse into the soul of the creator. Listening to the mix that I made at the age of 16 as a six-month anniversary gift, which narrated the course of our relationship, effectively transported me back to those more naive days of young love. I had to skip over some tracks because it was just too hard to listen to them. And then there were tracks that I had even forgotten why I had included them. I wondered if it was because it was simply a poor song choice (lack of attachment, meaning) or if I had changed so much that I simply do not remember.

Listening to all these mixes got me to thinking about the whole idea that there are "rules" for making a good mix. Anyone who has seen High Fidelity or read the novel by Nick Hornby knows what I'm talking about. A quote:

To me, making a tape is like writing a letter — there's a lot of erasing and rethinking and starting again. A good compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do. You've got to kick off with a corker, to hold the attention (I started with "Got to Get You Off My Mind", but then realized that she might not get any further than track one, side one if I delivered what she wanted straightaway, so I buried it in the middle of side two), and then you've got to up it a notch, or cool it a notch, and you can't have white music and black music together, unless the white music sounds like black music, and you can't have two tracks by the same artist side by side, unless you've done the whole thing in pairs and...oh, there are loads of rules.

Though I am not a strict adherent to all these rules, they're one way to think about the structure and flow of your mix. Here are some other tips that I've come up with regarding its content:

Avoid novelty songs. Ideally, the entire album should be listenable. Even if you share some hilarious inside joke about male genitalia, no one really wants to listen to AC/DC's "Big Balls."
Seriously doubting whether the song fits? Whether it sends the wrong message? Ditch it.
Try to avoid songs you truly adore if you are making this for a current love interest or the mix has a particularly romantic theme. If things go sour or the mere thought of that relationship becomes uncomfortable, that song will never be the same to you again. You will kick yourself for creating that association. Call it selfish if you want, but unless you can do some kind of memory rewriting a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, then I'm never giving up "My Cherie Amour" by Stevie Wonder.
Think about what the other person would want to hear. Yes, much of the joy is in creating that perfect mix that captures exactly the essence of how you feel at that moment in time, but remember that it is still a gift. And what's the use of a gift that is not fully appreciated by its recipient! That 6-month anniversary mix I made was much too self-induglent. I doubt that he ever listened to it after I gave it to him. He, on the other hand, was really good at making mixes. One Valentine's mix was filled with quirky songs from bands that we both liked (Magnetic Fields' "A Chicken with its Head Cut Off") and versions of songs that I didn't even know existed (Johnny Cash and Fiona Apple cover "Bridge Over Troubled Water"), and I can still listen to the whole CD the whole way through.

Thanks to everyone who has ever made me a mix! I cherish them dearly, being the sentimental hack that I am. If you were to make a mix for your life right now, what would be on it? I have been thinking about making a soundtrack for the Summer of Steph...

It's Summertime, Flaming Lips
Optimistic, Radiohead
Rebellion (Lies), Arcade Fire
Feeling Good , Nina Simone (Season 4 Promo of Six Feet Under - best TV show EVER)
Golden, Jill Scott
Just Fine, Mary J. Blige (I know it's corny, but I don't care)
Alarm Call, Bjork
Stronger, Britney Spears (this video makes me miss Britney when she wasn't a hotmess)
Extraordinary, Liz Phair
Who's That Girl, Robyn
Extraordinary Machine, Fiona Apple (live perf!)

Summer of Steph

2008-06-06T00:45:00.010-04:00

Besides the usual free pass from a world of adult responsibility, grad students have it good because we get "summer breaks." The quotations are in place because we're never really idle...most of us are working on the research that we didn't have time to fully devote our time to over the school year (esp for us counseling psych folks...hello, 14 credits of classes every semester!). I was fortunate to secure a research fellowship for the summer to work on an independent project, without the pressure of having to find a job so that I can spend my un-school time doing things that usually cost money (sigh). In case you're wondering, my research project is utilizing a data set of 3 cohorts of incoming first years, mostly students of color. In a nutshell, I'm interested in the different types of discrimination reported by Asian American vs. Black/African Americans and whether these differences predict outcomes such as well-being, GPA, and retention differentially. It is predicted by past research and some theory that Asian Americans would uniquely report more "perpetual foreigner" type of discrimination (e.g., people question your citizenship status), as opposed to discrimination that connotes inferiority. Anyway, that's what my proposal was for....but in actuality, I am going to have to take some steps back and learn some more stats like factor analysis (does anyone know if you can do dichotomous factor analysis on SPSS?) and reading up on the literature. It sounds like a lot of work, but I'm actually really excited to have most of my time devoted to getting dirty with the data (*resisting bad joke*).

The project will take up most of my time during the weekdays, but then I am FREEEEEEE!!! And how wonderful it is. I've already shared my declaration with some of you that this is the "Summer of Steph." This should not be confused with the disastrous "Summer of George."

[ Apparently someone/YouTube didn't like me embedding their Seinfeld clip on my page, so just YouTube "Summer of George" yourself. Heh, brings on a chuckle every time.]

What does that mean exactly? Well, I feel like I am finally in a more stable place and ready to get my shit together. That means taking care of myself - mind, body, and soul. I'm trying to do things that I love and make me happy, like...

Spending time outdoors riding my bike or running round/checking out the nearby lakes. That's a pic of Lake of the Isles above, just blocks away from my apt.
Speaking of running...aiming to train for a 5K w/ some friends in Sept (there were some delusions about training for the 10-mile but then I realized that it's probably a good idea to be able to run at least 3 miles at a time without wanting to die).
Hitting up the farmer's market.
Tending to my new mini-garden! (See pic below) Consisting of lemon basil, thai basil, sweet basil, winter thyme, rosemary, and chives...and a little tomato plant that does well in compact spaces.
Reading for pleasure (what a CONCEPT!). I'm currently in the middle of an inspiring short book, If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland, which I'll have to blog about later. Also STILL reading Omnivore's Dilemma. Started rereading Pedagogy of the Oppressed. Hopefully get in some fiction by way of Love in the Time of Cholera and whatever else my short-attention span can handle.
More cooking. More cupcakes.
Painting my apartment.
Writing in my journal.
Outdoor summer music concerts and festivals.
Breaking out the sewing machine!
Happy hours.
Spending time with the new friends I have made this year. Making even newer friends. Connecting with old friends.
Finding an organization that I can devote some time to.
Convincing my parents to buy me a Magic Mic so that I can karaoke in my living room.
Learning more about likes, my values, my opinions....myself in general.
Overall, being a growing, positive, confident, happy person! (*Cue the rainbows and sunshine*).

Throw in there FIVE, count em, FIVE weddings to attend and some random trips home...and that's a very full summer! No pressure to get it all done, and I'm content to just enjoy my summer moment-by-moment. I would hate to be in the midst of next year's madness (uh 3 classes + 17 hours at clinical practicum + research) and wish that I had made more out of my summer.

Reflections on Year 1

2008-05-27T17:35:00.015-04:00

Hello Friends,

I survived Year 1 of my doctoral program! Though lacking in major travails or triumphs, it was nonetheless a year of adjustment and growth - socially, personally, academically. Just the other day, I realized that Minneapolis is the 5th city I have lived in the last 4 years (Evanston/Chicago, NYC, Boston, SF, Mpls). It has taken some getting used to the idea that I really am going to be here for the next four (or more?) years, but I am so relieved to feel like I can start to call a place home (though I still refuse to fork over my Illinois driver's license for a Minnesota one). Some of the most difficult adjustments have been personal - moving to a city where I knew literally one person, dealing with the loss of loved ones and relationships (including being single for the first time in my adult life, yikes), battling doubts of self-efficacy -which have definitely impacted my adjustment academically. There have been times that I doubted my choices leading me to this point. But ultimately, I prefer to strive towards growth, which is often preceded by discomfort and sacrifice (If only I could translate that to my exercise and nutrition life). I like to think of myself as living trial-by-error, always accumulating life lessons along the way.

I've already learned a few things thus far. I remember my advisor telling a group of us in September was that his advisor told him that, "You gotta fuck up at some point." Or at least it was something like that. I had a situation that I really felt like I fucked up this year, but I learned that it wasn't the end of the world. I learned about what I need to work on in the future and that it's better to ask for help than to fester in anxiety and self-doubt. Recently, I even began to see a narrative therapist (I will freely admit and do not want to perpetuate the stigma of counseling/therapy) who is helping me to better understand my relationship to Procrastination. But that's a whole 'nother topic for another time.

On a similar note, I learned that I need to develop my own set of standards for self-evaluation. Sometimes you want to know exactly what your professor or advisor is thinking of you so that you can see where you stand. But it is rare that they will offer the kind of validation that will vanquish the "Impostor Monster" (yes, I just made that up). In absence of that affirmation, I then turn to comparing myself to my peers. Well, that is certainly useless and further anxiety provoking because we all come from different places, do different things, and are dealing with different issues. Looks like I just gotta figure this stuff out for myself! That's probably one of the hardest things to accomplish, and I'm sure that I'll be working on it continually.

From the beginning, they tell you here, "No one is going to hold your hand." And that is true in a lot of ways; graduate school is an exercise in individualism and self-determination. That definitely runs counter to my personal living and learning style, but it is the reality of the academic world. I am continuously working to find a balance between those expectations and my own sense of being. As I look back, I realize that I need to be willing to be uncomfortable in order to learn valuable lessons, and this does not necessarily mean having to do everything alone. I am grateful for the tremendous support of my family, friends, and cohort who help me achieve my individual goals, even if they can't give me the answers or write my research proposals.

This first year in Minneapolis was like learning to crawl in many respects. I'm hoping that I can take the summer to gain the strength and courage to get on my own two feet and walk...hopefully by this time next year, I will have a gait of confidence, and within a few years, running without abandon (sorry, I love cheesy metaphors!).

On the Schmap

2008-05-17T10:20:00.003-04:00

This photo I took of the Ferry Building in San Francisco was chosen for the digitial travel guide Schmap.com...if you click on the Ferry Building Marketplace link, you can scroll through the pictures and find mine!

hacker updates

2008-05-03T02:57:00.006-04:00

I sent the fake-Jon an email saying that I knew he was not the REAL Jon, that I had reported them to Gmail and would not hesitate to contact the Internet Crime Committee (ok that's not the name, but close enough). He did not write back, so hopefully s/he's moved on to another victim for identity theft. Wait, I mean...I hope they get caught.

The Problem

2008-04-27T14:50:00.003-04:00

(from the tag of the reusable grocery bag I got for $0.99 at the Wedge, www.1BagataTime.com)

14 Plastic Bags

contain enough petroleum to drive a car a mile.

380 billion plastic bags

or wraps are thrown away in the US each year

Making a paper bag emits

70% more global warming gases

than making a plastic bag.

0 paper bags biodegrade

in landfills due to a lack of oxygen.

Cities spend up to

17 cents per bag in disposal costs,

wasting millions of tax dollars.

More racist baloney.

2008-04-22T11:31:00.002-04:00

Well, I guess I was slow on the train over the racist Cubs shirt. The Cubs pulled it, even though it was still a huge seller and probably floating around as a commemorative item. In more racist BS news, my friend pointed me to this article from the Washington Post about some guy who owns a restaurant named Chink's Steaks in the Philadelphia area.

The restaurant was opened by Samuel Sherman, who was nicknamed "Chink" as a child because of his supposedly slanted, Asian-looking eyes. "Nobody ever called him Sam," said Groh, who started working at the eatery at age 15 and later bought it after Sherman died. "That was his name from the age of 6."

Surprise that White dude doesn't see anything wrong with a restaurant that is basically the equivalent of naming it "N--ger's." YES, it is that bad. The racial slur carries the weight of a history of oppression, so much so that I actually have a friend trying to take the word back. But that's a whole 'nother topic.

For those who want more to be angry about, this is a great blog: http://www.angryasianman.com

Okay, I can't deal with any more stupidity this morning. My blood pressure can't take any more of this (Did you know that research shows a link between perceptions of racism/discrimination and hypertension???). I gotta get back to work. Writing about discrimination. Sigh.

(Some) Cubs fans are racist. Big effing surprise.

2008-04-22T10:53:00.008-04:00

Some racist moron is selling unlicensed shirts that bear the image on the right (photo credit: Richard A. Chapman/Sun-Times), with a slant-eyed bear, big Harry Carey/nerdy glasses, and some stereotypical Chinese font with the words "Horry Kow" (that's supposed to be "holy cow" in a horrible Chinese accent). The shirt is meant to celebrate (/sarcasm) the addition of Japanese player, Kosuke Fukodome, to the Chicago Cubs. This article from the Sun-Times is full of hilarious reporting, revealing just how unbelievably ignorant and racist some people are in Chicago. The best is when the vendor points out that he sold the shirt to an Asian woman., to which the Asian woman replies, ''I bought it for my mom, who has a collection of racist images of Asian Americans.''

I thought Fukudome's response was very interesting:

''I knew I was coming to a different country, so I expected something like this,'' he said. ''Maybe not necessarily racial, but that anybody could take any context of my words and degrade me if they wanted to. But if I make a big deal out of it, it's not going to benefit me, so I'm not going to make a big deal of it.''

My friend from Japan remarked that this is a very typical response for Japanese culture. The cultural values prescribe not making a fuss, for that only dignifies the transgression. Unfortunately, I do not have that strength of will. I can't keep it to myself when I'm annoyed.

THAT SHIT IS SO BLATANTLY RACIST, AND IT IS NOT FUNNY.

When I asked a friend if this would happen with the Chicago White Sox, he astutely pointed out, "The Sox already had a few Japanese players, and I don't remember any stupid ass shit like that. Also you don't see that stupid shit with the Red Sox (who have Daisuke Matsuzaka) or the Yankees (who have Hideki Matsui). I.e., Cubs fans are the most racist in the U.S."

WORD.

bucatini all'amatriciana

2008-04-20T23:00:00.018-04:00

Food is one of the things I have very low impulse control over. Yesterday, I caught my foodie friend Arnold's blog and was chatting to him about one of his favorite Italian dishes, pasta all'amatriciana. It looked and sounded so delicious that I had to go out and get the ingredients to make it! Conveniently, my friend and I were going to get dinner in St. Paul, so we stopped by Cosetta's, an Italian deli/grocery/eatery. There, I picked up some pancetta (basically Italian bacon), perciatelli (aka bucatini, which is like a thick spaghetti tube w/ a hole in the middle), and a frozen pizza for a lazy dinner sometime in the future. Arnold pointed me to a version of the dish from Mario Batali's restaurant Babbo in NYC (pictured at left).

My take on the dish is pictured at right. From start to finish, including making the basic sauce, it took 2 hours...maybe I'm slow. I thought it came out delicious! The bucatini noodles, when al dente, are amazing! They remind me of thick Cantonese noodles with their perfect chewiness, "qq." I probably went a little nuts w/ the red pepper flakes, so I recommend sticking to the recipe's 1.5 tsps. I'd also recommend adding a little more sauce if it looks dry (like mine does in the pic). This makes way too much for one person, so I'll be sharing it w/ my cohort for lunch tomorrow. Here's the recipe for you to try this out yourself. It's SUPER easy and proves how sometimes the most delicious dishes are sublimely simple.

Babbo's Bucatini all'Amatriciana
Serves 4
¾ pound guanciale, or pancetta, thinly sliced (if you can ask the deli person to slice it very thin, that's best)
3 garlic cloves
1 red onion, halved and sliced ½-inch thick
1 ½ teaspoons hot red pepper flakes
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste
1 ½ cups basic tomato sauce (see recipe below)
1 pound bucatini (may be called perciatelli; if you can't find that, you can sub spaghetti)

1 bunch of flat-leaf parsley, leaves only

Pecorino Romano, for grating

1. Bring 6 quarts of water to a boil and add 2 tablespoons of salt.

2. Place the guanciale/pancetta slices in a 12- to 14-inch sauté pan in a single layer and cook over medium-low heat until most of the fat has been rendered from the meat, turning occasionally.

3. Remove the meat to a plate lined with paper towels and discard some of the fat, leaving enough to coat the garlic, onion and red pepper flakes (note: I didn't have to discard any b/c the pancetta was pretty lean). Return the meat to the pan and cook over medium-high heat for 5 minutes, or until the onions, garlic and guanciale are light golden brown. Season with salt and pepper, add the tomato sauce, reduce the heat, and simmer for 10 minutes.

4. Cook the bucatini in the boiling water according to the package directions, until al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the simmering sauce. Add the parsley leaves, increase the heat to high and toss to coat. Divide the pasta among four warmed pasta bowls. Top with freshly grated Pecorino cheese and serve immediately.

BASIC TOMATO SAUCE

Makes 4 cups
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

1 Spanish onion, chopped in 1/4-inch dice
4 garlic cloves, peeled and thinly sliced
3 tablespoons chopped fresh thyme leaves, or 1 tablespoon dried
1/2 medium carrot, finely shredded
2 (28-ounce) cans peeled whole tomatoes, crushed by hand and juices reserved
Salt, to taste

In a 3-quart saucepan, heat the olive oil over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic, and cook until soft and light golden brown, about 8 to 10 minutes. Add the thyme and carrot, and cook 5 minutes more, until the carrot is quite soft. Add the tomatoes and juice and bring to a boil, stirring often. Lower the heat and simmer for 30 minutes until as thick as hot cereal. Season with salt and serve. This sauce holds 1 week in the refrigerator or up to 6 months in the freezer.

Stumbling on the Path to Citizenship

2008-04-12T09:21:00.004-04:00

Whenever I hear about the issue of immigration and naturalization in the election, I am struck by broad strokes applied to this very heterogeneous group. Immigrants are "othered," vilified as threats to U.S. security and economy, when the reality is that the majority of immigrants are law-abiding citizens who contribute to society through their labor, buying power, and citizenship.

For my Multicultural Psychology class, we read the book Children of Immigration by Carola Suarez-Orozco & Marcelo Suarez-Orozco; the book synthesizes decades of research on immigrants, painting a rich portrait of the immigrant experience while also highlighting the rich diversity of these experiences. The difficult part is remembering that immigration isn't just an "issue." It is a life experiences for thousands of people, and we can learn so much by attending to these life stories. As a child of immigrants, I have always been peripherally aware of my family's immigration history. It is only recently that I have begun to ask what the experience was really like for my parents. What was it like for my newly-wed parents to live in separate countries for almost three years? How did they manage to make their way up out of poverty, living in Chicago in the basement of our family friends, and into the middle class life of the suburbs? What is it like for my parents to help out their brothers and sisters with their own immigration to the U.S.? Why is it that my parents have been here for almost 30 years, yet still do not feel American? What are the legal issues and overall challenges in this immigration and naturalization process?

This article in the New York Times tells the story of legal immigrants in the US who sought citizenship through naturalization, unaware of the unforgiving process before them.

SELINSGROVE, Pa. — Dr. Pedro Servano always believed that his journey from his native Philippines to the life of a community doctor in Pennsylvania would lead to American citizenship.

But the doctor, who has tended to patients here in the Susquehanna Valley for more than a decade, is instead battling a deportation order along with his wife.

The Servanos are among a growing group of legal immigrants who reach for the prize and permanence of citizenship, only to run afoul of highly technical immigration statutes that carry the severe penalty of expulsion from the country. For the Servanos, the problem has been a legal hitch involving their marital status when they came from the Philippines some 25 years ago.

Largely overlooked in the charged debate over illegal immigration, many of these are long-term legal immigrants in the United States who were confident of success when they applied for naturalization, and would have continued to live here legally had they not sought to become citizens.

As applications for naturalization have surged, overburdened federal examiners, under pressure to make quick decisions and also weed out any security risks, prefer to err on the side of rejection, immigration lawyers and independent researchers said. In 2007, 89,683 applications for naturalization were denied, about 12 percent of those presented.

In the last 12 years, denial rates have been consistently higher than at any time since the 1920s.
. . .

Dr. Servano and his wife, Salvacion, lived for years in the United States with no inkling they might have violated the law. They met in the Philippines when she was a nurse and he was a young traveling doctor. Her strict father insisted she marry, they said, but his family wanted him to wait.

In the early 1980s, their mothers came separately to the United States as legal immigrants and petitioned for residence visas, known as green cards, for Pedro and Salvacion under the category of unmarried children. But between the time the visas were requested and when they were issued in 1985, Pedro and Salvacion, hoping to escape conflicting parental demands, secretly married in the Philippines.

Unaware that their marriage could have violated the terms of their green cards, the Servanos settled in the United States. He completed a second medical residency here and began to practice in blue-collar towns where he made house calls and was known for attention to everyday ills. He and Salvacion married in New Jersey in 1987. They renewed their green cards punctually.

“My goal is to be fully functional and integrated into the society,” Dr. Servano said. They presented their 1991 naturalization applications without seeking a lawyer.

Immigration inspectors reviewing their applications discovered a record of their Philippine marriage. Accused of lying, they were ordered deported. In years of immigration court appeals, the Servanos had no opportunity to present broader evidence of their character, their lawyers said.

The best romantic movie, Part I: Before Sunrise

2008-04-08T23:58:00.006-04:00

I've been feeling a little emo lately, so I thought that I'd rewatch one of favorite movies, and what I think is the best romance ever: Before Sunrise (1995). Directed by Richard Linklater and starring Ethan Hawke (Jesse) and Julie Delpy (Celine), the movie is essentially about Love. Two strangers meet on a train to Vienna, connect, and decide to spend an entire day together until they must leave the next day.

The movie's original trailer

All "before sunrise," they go through so many of the phases of courtship and love: the initial chemistry that causes the spark (the body language in this film is brilliant), an intense curiosity about the other person's quirks and innermost thoughts, the infatuation and idealization, then the inevitable realization that the other person isn't so perfect and can honestly be quite annoying, and the undeniable feeling that you must be with him/her again despite all his/her foibles and inconvenient circumstances. Then there's also the reality that Love might be there and be very real, yet it may not be enough for the uncertain future.

I love this movie for all its earnestness and its portrayal of human vulnerability. Our lives can dramatically change when we live in the here-and-now (see the sequel Before Sunset and you'll know what I'm talking about) and when we take that leap towards human connection. Here's my favorite scene from the movie, a perfect example of the movie's sensitivity to the human condition:

My favorite line of the movie:

If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing some thing. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.

Peruse this post, nary a cursory glance

2008-03-17T12:12:00.005-04:00

In my penchant for pedantry, I find great delight in learning of words and phrases which are often misused. One of my favorite segments from National Public Radio (WNYC) is the word expert, Patricia O'Conner's, who speaks every third Wednesday on the Leonard Lopate Show.

One of the more memorable lessons was the misuse of the word "peruse," which is often taken to mean looking over something in a superficial manner. In fact, the word connotes a more detailed examination. According to Merriam-Webster.com, the definition is:

1 a: to examine or consider with attention and in detail : study
b: to look over or through in a casual or cursory manner
2: read; especially : to read over in an attentive or leisurely manner

Etymology: Middle English, to use up, deal with in sequence, from Latin per- thoroughly + Middle English usen to use.

Dorky linguaphiles will find more fun grammar tidbits on O'Conner website http://www.grammarphobia.com. Also, feel free to peruse this website from Princeton University for more commonly misused words and expressions.

Thoughts and Prayers

2008-02-16T00:16:00.003-05:00

...are with those on the Northern Illinois University campus and all those affected by the tragic shooting on Thursday. Although the gunman (Steve Kazmierczak) let out fire at NIU, he was currently enrolled as a graduate student at the University of Illinois-Champaign Urbana. He could have easily chosen UIUC as his target - the school where my little brother goes, the school I almost attended. Sadly, part of me has become detached from the all the images of violence I see on the news...but suddenly it all hit very close to home. My throat feels like it is closing up and my eyes tear just thinking of losing my brother. I cannot imagine what immense heartache is experienced those at NIU right now. At the same time, I feel such sadness for Kazmierczak's family. They lost a loved one, and I hope that we can empathize with that as well.

Cupcake challenge!

2008-02-10T21:33:00.000-05:00

My friend/fellow classmate Kimmy and her fiance, Michael, are getting married this July. They are having an official wedding ceremony/reception in New Jersey and a second, more informal reception in Minnesota for those who cannot make it to NJ. Kimmy and Michael decided to forgo a traditional wedding cake for their MN reception in favor of....a glazed donut and cupcake arrangement!!! And who did they commission to make the cupcakes? ME!!! I am sooooo excited!!! Recently, I've been thinking about how much I love cooking and baking...this is a great way for me to indulge my secret dream of a food-related career.

Anyway, I am not sure what the happy couple wants for their flavors, but I'm sure that my roommates, classmates, and friends won't mind if I test out recipes on them! Luckily, I have 5 months to test out recipes and perfect my decorating technique (I decided I'm going to sign up for a Wilton cake decorating course at Michael's or Jo-Ann). In celebration of this wonderful opportunity, here is a portfolio of some of my work:

Orange-Carrot Cupcakes w/ Orange Cream Cheese Frosting and topped with Basic 4 cereal
Recipe adapted from Epurious.com...the proportions of that recipe were whack.

Devil's Food layer cake with Mocha Buttercream Frosting
Not a cupcake, but I'm proud nonetheless. Recipe from Magnolia Bakery cookbook.

Devil's Food w/ Vanilla Buttercream Frosting
Recipe from Magnolia Bakery cookbook

White Cake w/ Strawberrberry Preserve filling and Mint-Cream Cheese Frosting, topped w/ unsweetened coconut
A moderately successful experiment.

Chocolate-Chai^2 cupcakes (in honor of my Statistics final)
One of the best cupcakes I've made! Homemade chai spice kicks ass.
Recipe courtesy of Cupcake Blog

Red Velvet Cupcakes w/ Cream Cheese Frosting, Strawberries, and Blueberries
Recipe adapted from my friend Tina's grandmother and Epicurious.com

Lemon Cupcakes with Lemon Buttercream frosting
Recipe from Magnolia Bakery cookbook

The infamous boob cupcakes! Conceived by my own crazy mind.
Lemon cupcake w/ lemon buttercream flesh, chocolate buttercream areolas, and choc chip nips

Hillary's Cookies

2008-02-08T02:03:00.000-05:00

Just one of the many hilarious satirical Swiftkids videos on YouTube...

Potential laptop crisis

2008-01-28T01:59:00.000-05:00

My Dell laptop has been slowly treading in a downward spiral for the last few months. I noticed a while ago that I would have to press down on the power button really hard and for several seconds to turn it on. Then my power supply suddenly died on me (I think that the wires were mangled and snapped from wrapping it around itself). I ordered a replacement from some website that claimed it was an authentic Dell power supply....Well it didn't exactly look like my old one, but it worked. So I have been using the sketchy power supply for the last month. Now, the computer is taking longer and longer to boot, and I'm having to press down so hard that I am getting finger cramps. AND this freaky red light keeps flashing on the battery indicator LED.

DOES ANYONE HAVE A CLUE WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?

Some searching on the google leads me to believe that the battery is dying, but does that mean I can just replace it? Will I have to get a new laptop? Right now I'm freaking out because my external hard drive I ordered should be arriving sometime this week...and I am praying my laptop will hold out until then. I am kicking myself for putting off getting the HD for so long.

Please offer any insight or advice!

Big Girls Don't Cry...or Should They?

2008-01-09T03:44:00.001-05:00

Primary Election Season is upon us and the hope of change (everyone else is throwing it around, why can't I?) for our country just over the horizon. I have been somewhat lackadaisical about keeping up with the campaigns up until this last couple of weeks. As you probably know by now, Obama won the Iowa Caucus for the Dems. Today, Clinton gave a huge "BOOYAH!" to all the media pundits out there, defying projections to take the New Hampshire Primary. Analysts say that a major reason for this is the support of female voters. Some have postulated that Clinton became more of a sympathetic, likable candidate after her uncharacteristic display of emotion the day before, in response to a question about how she manages to campaign every day.

Alright, I am definitely in support of having our candidates be human, authentic, and empathic. But this kind of standard for a female politician bothers me quite a bit. Clinton is often criticized for her tough exterior and for not showing her emotions. Male candidates have been similarly lambasted in the past (Al Gore, John Kerry). Now that Hillary Clinton has shown some vulnerability (postulated by some as a calculated stunt...to me, it does seem a tiny bit stilted in emotionality, but perhaps that is because it is not her usual style), there are critics out there calling her a "cry baby" and label her as becoming "emotional." Would a male get the same criticism? I don't think so. And why is her likability predicated on her appearing more soft (and more "feminine?").

This campaign captures my attention because of the interesting gender and racial dynamics that are at play. For example, I have been reading some comments on YouTube about the two Dem candidates...and one person said that Obama was "preachy, melodramatic, and self-righteous." Clinton has even accused Obama for giving Americans "false hope." To me, Obama is inspirational and evokes the type of rhetoric of civil rights leaders and (interestingly), preachers. Would a White candidate with the same rhetorical style be criticized in the same way? I've heard many say that Obama reminds them of JFK, who was also a young candidate that evoked a similar sense of hope for the future. On another note, my dad was saying that he doesn't think that Obama would be elected if he were the Democratic nominee because he believes that there are enough prejudiced (mostly older, White, moderate) Democrats out there who would either abstain from voting or vote some other way. I see his point, and it really saddens me. My dad guesses that maybe in two or three more generations, that won't be the case. I hope that the American people prove us wrong.

A taste of Thanksgiving year-round

2007-12-17T02:18:00.001-05:00

Stock #1 made from giblets and neck bones

..with some turkey stock!

After reading the advice of many a foodie regarding stocks, I was itching to make one myself. Thanksgiving provided me w/ the perfect opportunity to boil up some bones and make a stock. If you've never made a stock before because it sounds complicated, DO NOT FEAR THE STOCK! It is super easy. Can you boil stuff? Yes? Well, you can make stock.

The gist:
1) Brown your bones before boiling. This will deepen the flavor.
2) Boil your bones and water with some aromatics (saute onions, celery, carrots) and herbs
3) Let it all simmer on low (barely perceptible) for several hours. I did mine for 3 hours and decided that it had reduced enough.
4) Strain and let cool.
5) Skim off the fat that settles on top of your lovely gelatinous creation.

Stock #2 after reducing for ~3 hours on VERY low simmer, then strained

This shizz is LIQUID GOLD! It is packed with flavor and can serve as a base for soups and sauces. Half of this is sitting in my freezer; it comes in handy when I want soup and want to just throw things together. A tip I read on another forum was to freeze your stock individually (e.g., use ice cube trays, zip baggies). That is a great idea that I wish I had known before b/c it's kind of a pain to chip away at the large block that I have.

I actually made two batches of stock (the first from the giblets and neck bones and the second from the carcass). The first batch was used for making the turkey gravy (roux-based). Anyway, if you stick to the general principles, you could concoct any stock of your choosing so long as the ingredients work (e.g., the juniper berries I put in were good, but a little strong). Best of luck in your future stock adventures!

Yes

2007-12-16T19:28:00.001-05:00

Graduate school in a doctoral program still has finals. And they are not easier than undergrad. Ahhh!!!

Some Belated Thanks

2007-12-06T02:36:00.000-05:00

Well, it's never really too late to give thanks, and we certainly should not wait until an arbitrary national holiday to appreciate the good things in our lives. It's been a few weeks, I know. But it's especially important for me right now to keep the positive vibes going, because I've had a really crappy December. Let me get the pity party out of the way. In the last two weeks, I:

1) was rear-ended during traffic on 35W, one of the busiest freeways in the Twin Cities (the same road where the bridge collapsed).
2) had my car towed due to complicated Mpls Snow Emergency rules.
3) lost my wallet and keys.

Surprisingly, I have not been soured by these recent events. Maybe it was that year in California that mellowed me out. I've recently tried to cope by reframing the situation and thinking about what I am meant to learn from these misfortunes. I also realized that these are all just things, and I have much to still be thankful for. You know, a roof over my head, my health and the health of all my loved ones, harmony within my family, being in a great graduate program, having wonderful classmates and friends, and so on and so on.

Oh, and of course...I am thankful for always having good food to eat. This is obviously very important to me, and I sometimes forget what a privilege it is! My first Thanksgiving in Minneapolis was no exception. As I mentioned in my last blog so-long-ago, my classmates decided to have a little Thanksgiving potluck the week before Thanksgiving. It was a splendid spread with lots of gourmet goodies made with love! Everyone came through with some awesome dishes. We had the turkey and a roux-stock gravy (story of the brining endeavor below), butternut squash and hazelnut lasagna, stuffing, Parmesan mashed potatoes, roasted brussel spouts, pumpkin bread, salad w/ carrot-ginger dressing, cranberries, and cheesecake custard. Not bad for a bunch of starving graduate students. I was very thankful for all this delicious food, and the good cheer shared by the wonderful company. A rousing game of Taboo helped as well!

My few foodie fans out there have been asking me how the brined turkey turned out, and I am proud to say that it was a HIT! I did end up using the Good Eats Roasted Turkey recipe, which called for a 6 hour brine. The brining is quite simple; just boil the ingredients and pour the cooled brine in with the turkey. Some places sell special brining bags; I thought I would be clever and buy a Reynolds Oven bag. That didn't work b/c the bag got a hole in it. Oh well. What's really tricky is figuring out where to let the huge thing soak for that extended period of time. Luckily, my ex-roommate had abandoned a perfectly sized cooler!

After it soaked for 6 hours, you gotta dump out the brine and rinse the chicken well. Doesn't make sense? Read my last blog entry to understand what goes on w/ the brining process. Be sure to pat it dry all over before greasing it up so that your skin will crisp. After that, you "flash roast" the turkey in the oven: 500 degrees for 30 minutes. This will give the skin a golden crisp. Then you lower the temp to 350 and cook for another 2-2.5 hours (depending on the weight of the bird). Ideally, you will possess a meat thermometer that goes up to the requisite 161 degrees, instead of a totally useless thermometer that only goes up to 120. I was very paranoid about infecting everyone with salmonella, so I had it roast an extra 30 minutes or so. Turned out well-done (10 lb bird for about 3 hours total).

The verdict? Well, here are a few comments I received:

Wow, it is so juicy and flavorful.
Gravy is hard to do, and this is very good!
Yum, and I don't even like turkey!
This is the best turkey I have ever had.

*comments may have been slightly altered for effect. Except for the last one; that's a REAL quote!

While it was somewhat time consuming, I am definitely going to try another brined turkey. My parents saw the pictures and want me to try and convert them into being turkey-eaters (instead of turkey-haters) on Christmas. We'll see...greater miracles have been known to happen!

Stay tuned for more Thanksgiving 2007 Frugal Foodie action....Next up, turkey stock!

Frugal Foodie: To Brine or Not to Brine?

2007-11-16T00:29:00.001-05:00

That is the question for the Big Bird of Thanksgiving! So my super duper cohort is having a Thanksgiving dinner this Saturday, and I am in charge of the turkey! Now, I have a bit of a reputation of being into cooking, and I do not want to disappoint. No bland, dry turkey here! I have heard a lot about the flavorful, succulent benefits of brining turkey but have never tried it myself (actually I am quite familiar w/ brined meat; my favorite fried chicken in the world at Ad Hoc is brined).

For those of you unfamiliar w/ the term, I'm talking about soaking meat in a brine ( i.e., a salt solution) which results in a moist, flavorful flesh. Basically, the process is a genius utilization of one of the most basic principles of chemistry: molecules follow a concentration gradient from high-to-low. So when you brine something, there is a high concentration of both water and salt on the outside of the meat. Via osmosis, the salt/sugar and water flows into the meat. Subsequently, the protein structure breaks down, water/salt/protein molecules intermingle, and a new matrix structure is formed in which the water and seasoning is retained in the bird as it cooks.

Picture and information courtesy of Cooks Illustrated's free "Basics of Brining"

Anyway, I am always up for a cooking adventure, so BRINE IT IS! This is the recipe I am considering, but I may change my mind. I'll update you on what the final verdict is and how it turns out (complete w/ pictures, siempre!). Pretty nervous about it turning out ok...so wish me luck!

Good Eats Roast Turkey
For the brine:
1 cup kosher salt
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 gallon vegetable stock
1 tablespoon black peppercorns
1/2 tablespoon allspice berries
1/2 tablespoon candied ginger
1 gallon iced water
For the aromatics:
1 red apple, sliced
1/2 onion, sliced
1 cinnamon stick
1 cup water
4 sprigs rosemary
6 leaves sage
Canola oil

Movie Review: The Graduate

2007-11-09T02:00:00.000-05:00

4 out of 5 stars

So I finally watched my Netflix of The Graduate, the 1967 Mike Nichols film that has often been cited as one of the most influential films of the century. But I have to disagree. I get the whole idea that the movie is supposed to represent the disconnect between generations. It's supposed to be some kind of movie about rebellion of a predictable life in favor of chasing after love and idealism...or something like that.

I can see that...but really, Ben strikes me as less of a 60's rebel and more as self-centered jerk better suited in the 80s. All throughout the movie, everything is about Ben. Even in his most impassioned moments (the latter part of his date with Elaine, he's droning on about himself and how she makes him feel alive blah blah blah...SHUTUP ALREADY!). One of the things that bothered me most was that I didn't buy that he was really in love w/ Elaine. He's a guy used to being at the top of his game, President of Everything in his Northeast college and clearly coming from a privilege, and Elaine was the one thing he felt like he couldn't have (aside from a post-collegiate life of meaning). The more that everyone told her that he couldn't be with Elaine, the more determined he became to get her. For Pete's sake, they had ONE DATE! Then he drove 9 hours from Pasadena to Berkeley and STALKED HER all around campus! Oh, and having lived in California, I can appreciate just how psychotic Ben was b/c he drove from Pasadena to Berkeley then to Santa Barbara...um, that's like 20some hours of driving. Ben is a PSYCHO. I think that we're supposed to be charmed by his neuroticism, much in the way that Woody Allen can be disarming...Sure, I fell for Ben Braddock in the beginning too, with all his nervous tics and sexual inexperience (Dustin Hoffman successfully takes an obnoxious character and makes him likable). But his egocentricism in the final iconic scene just KILLED ME. If you watch the final scene where Ben and Elaine (in wedding dress) are sitting at the back of the bus, there's a sense of awkwardness right after the adrenaline rush of escaping the wedding. Elaine looks over at Ben more than once, in search of some kind of reassurance from him that everything's going to be alright, that their love will get them through. But Ben keeps his eyes forward, seemingly lost in his own private victory - he said that he was going to marry Elaine Robinson, and though they weren't hitched at the end, he at least kept her from marrying Mr. Waspy McWasp!

Then there's the character of Mrs. Robinson, who some might vilify as an amoral, alcoholic seductress. But I think that she is the only admirable character in the movie. Okay, she's obviously not perfect...and the lie she tells is kosher at all...but she's far more interesting than the other characters. I've already talked about Ben's foibles. Elaine, while smart and pretty, is spineless. It's obvious in how she just happens to find herself engaged to Mr. McWasp. The Braddocks (BTW, Mr. Braddock is Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World!) are overbearing and obnoxious. Mr. Robinson is innocuous. But back to Mrs. Robinson, brilliantly played by the late Anne Bancroft. This is a character with depth, a life that went unlived due to a twist of fate in her college days. She obviously cares for her family very much, or she would have divorced her husband long ago. I have my own crackpot theory...When Mrs. Robinson said that she didn't want Ben to ever date Elaine, it's probably because she wanted the best for her daughter, knowing that Ben would probably just break Elaine's heart or lead her to a life of boredom. She really did believe that Ben wasn't good enough for her daughter, because he really wasn't. However, in her self-loathing and desperation, he was good enough to help pass the time of her meaningless life.

Misc comments: really awesome cinemematography and direction, great witty writing. the movie is worth watching for the numerous lines and scenes which have become ingrained in pop culture. Love the Simon and Garfunkel-heavy soundtrack, though a bit boring in moments.

Frugal Foodie: Spicy Beef Caldereta

2007-11-02T17:49:00.001-04:00

Not too long ago, I called up my mom and said, "I have a bell pepper, carrots, tomatoes, and some onions. What can I make?". My mom answers, "Caldereta." Ahh, perfect for the Frugal Foodie! This Filipino beef stew w/ a spicy tomato sauce can use cheap cuts of tough meat (I bought a specific "cubed beef for stew"), minimal ingredients, and the outcome is a very hearty, flavorful dish. Ingredient quantities are rough estimates, as Filipino cooking is an imprecise art, and there are many variations of this. Some like to put olives, raisins, and who knows what else. I improvised on my mom's recipe by spicing this up with chopped chipotle pepper in adobo sauce. It adds a nice smoky kick. No recipe is sacred, IMHO, so feel free to do what you want with the basic idea!

Spicy Beef Caldereta
up to 1 lb. cubed beef appropriate for stewing
soy sauce
chopped garlic
1 medium onion, roughly chopped
1 bell pepper, roughly chopped
1 tomato, roughly chopped
1-2 carrots, slices in 1/2'' discs
1-2 potatoes, roughly chopped (any kind is fine, though I prefer the starchy kind for this)
1/4-1/2 c. tomato sauce
1 chopped chipotle pepper in adobo sauce (plus 1 T. of the sauce)
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper for seasoning
Cooking oil

1. Marinate beef in soy sauce, garlic, salt, and pepper (at least 1 hour, at most overnight for safety).

2. Prep all ingredients.

3. Brown beef cubes in oil. Add onions. Once onions are are softened, and sautee bell peppers and carrots. Add tomato, tomato sauce, chipotle pepper/adobo sauce, bay leaf. Cover and let simmer on low until all ingredients are tender (depending on the cut of beef used, ~45 min-1.5 hours).

4. This step is optional, but it prevents having potatoes that are too soft and fall apart. You can also add the potatoes in w/ the rest of the veggies if you like yours that way. While the beef and veggies are simmering, fry the potatoes. These should be added in with the rest near the end of the simmering (when I took these pics, I fried the potatoes before I had prepped the other veggies and then added them a little too early...eh, it's not a precise science, remember?).

5. You know it's done when the beef is tender and the sauce has thickened up. Serve with white rice. Enjoy!

Decisions, decisions.

2007-11-01T01:05:00.000-04:00

Should I start a completely new blog solely devoted to food? Does anyone care to read about my random musings? I was just reading through my old blog posts and thought, "Damn, I used to write a lot more. And some of it was not half bad." The reason I'm considering starting a food blog is because it is one of the things I am most passionate about. But I'm afraid that if I start a new food blog, then I won't have a space for random musings. More like I won't have the motivation to post them in a separate location.

Then there's the issue of privacy. I'm constantly aware of this issue and torn over how much to put out there on the big, bad Internet. I want to be responsible, but I also like to share thoughts/ideas/experiences as well.

I am also considering a move to WordPress (either w/ the new blog and/or transferring this one). They seem to have a more user-friendly interface and cleaner templates. I also like that they have a build-in statistics widget for data on visitors.

What should I do? Does anyone read this?!?! (Rich, you've mentioned my sporadic blogging more than once...but I'm trying! It helps to know that there are people actually reading). Should I continue to have a space for these random-albeit-scant postings?

Frugal Foodie: The Farmer's Market

2007-10-26T17:10:00.001-04:00

Welcome to the first in a weekly(cross-my-fingers) installment, I will call "Frugal Foodie Fridays," an attempt at bringing together my need to be more consistent in my blogging and the one thing that I could talk and write about forever and ever - FOOD!

As you know, I'm a full-time graduate student whose financial means are quite limited. Even more challenging is the fact that I really like to eat - and I like to eat well. Not that I seek out foie gras and champagne, but I'd much rather eat things more interesting and more tasty than instant ramen and $0.39 boxes of generic mac n' cheese (though yes, I did eat modified versions of these two things in the last month). I'm going to take this opportunity to share this journey of a Frugal Foodie with you, oh few readers out there...so I hope you find this useful, occasionally funny, and maybe cool. Feel free to chime in with your own thoughts and tips! (p.s. Facebook users, feel free to comment on the main blog itself).

Well, when I first moved to Minneapolis, I was going through major SF withdrawal. One of the things that I loved most about living in SF was the incredible food culture and the segment of that culture devoted to fresh, local food. Unfortunately, some of the SF farmer's markets (i.e., the Ferry Building Farmer's Market) are much too expensive for those with more stringent finances. My advisor here at the U told me about the Minneapolis Farmers Market, and I went w/ one of my classmates to the Lyndale market the first weekend that I arrived. Boy, I was sooo excited! The hustle and bustle, the enormous amounts of produce all in the sunshine (170 vendor spots!!!), the crisp morning air. There are many different things available at the different vendors, ranging from produce to poultry to eggs to cheeses to bread/baked goods to the prepared food vendors (tamales, brats, roasted corn, Chinese food) and miscellaneous furniture/clothing/sunglasses (random, I know). One day I spent almost half an hour tasting a bunch of varieties of local honey!

The Mpls FM is a little bit different from some of the markets in San Francisco. One difference I noticed right away is that while most of the vendors sell local products and produce, there are some vendors who sell products from other parts of the country. Also, not all of the products provided have the organic label (which is controversial anyway). One reason for importing is that Minnesota has a short harvest season due to the weather. Some people might have a problem with this, but there is no shortage of locally grown and/or organic products. Interestingly, the Mpls FM started out as a place for area businesses to sell their products wholesale. Nevertheless, the quality of produce from the vendors is far superior to anything that I have found at the local grocery stores (even at the "fancier" ones which gouge you). Another thing to note is that most of the vendors sell produce by the basket or bushel (rather than by weight). As you can see in the picture above left, the produce is in little baskets which are usually priced at $1-3 each or an even better deal of 3 for $5, where you can mix and match. Awesome for any Frugal Foodie! The amount you get in each basket is HUGE. So I try to hit up the farmer's market with a friend and we split everything. That means that we get a good variety of produce for a cheap price, without having excess which will be wasted!

The selection here can seem repetitive, but it is quite diverse. I love that they have different Asian vegetables (Thai eggplant, bok choy, huge stalks of lemongrass, cilantro, and much more) in addition to the veggies and fruits we're used to seeing. I like to take advantage of the diversity by picking out some food that I've never cooked before to experiment. Picking cost-effective ingredients makes for a bonus! For example, I bought a medium sized spaghetti squash for $2 that I made into two different dishes - roasted spaghetti squash and then a pizza. Many things which are staples in a food lover's fridge are much much cheaper and better quality at the FM than in the regular grocery store. I love to get my fresh herbs at the FM. This one farm sells big bundles of herbs individually or even mixes for as little as $1! About 1/5 of that amount sells at the store for $2.99 and those often go brown fast. Fresh herbs can elevate the most mundane to sublime! I could devote a whole blog to fresh herbs! Perhaps another time.

I am in love with the Farmer's Market and have been there all but three weekends that I've been here, including tomorrow! Sadly, the outdoor market season is winding down, but there are a few more weeks left for you to take advantage of your local land's bounty (and get so much more for much less than at the crappy grocery chain next door). It feels great to eat a little healthier and to help out local family businesses. The Farmer's Market has me looking forward to Spring already!

Another place to call home: Minneapolis

2007-10-17T01:03:00.000-04:00

For the few people out there who keep up w/ this blog, you might have been wondering if I'd ever give an update about my big move to Minneapolis. I can hardly believe it was just under two months ago that I embarked on this exciting leg of my life and career. In a lot of ways, time has flown by yet also felt slow in other respects. So many new places, faces, and roles to get used to.

Thus far, the Counseling Psychology program has been really great. My classes are interesting (my favorite so far is my Research Methods in Social Psychology class), and the people are wonderful (I heart my cohort! That's 4 out of the 5 of us at left, Sam's missing). I love the intellectual environment and being surrounded with people who are passionate about their work. However, to be honest, it's been a challenge to get myself back in the same mindset when I was last in school. The stakes feel so much higher. So much more to prove. All this pressure to realize my "potential" and produce. The Psychology Department at Minnesota has a long tradition of excellence, and I still can hardly believe that I am a part of it. I really need to get over these blocks to my self-efficacy so that I can (hopefully) kick some graduate school butt.

This is Elliott Hall, home of the Psychology Department. Basically where I live.

Since this is my new home, I have been trying to get settled in - meeting lots of new people, connecting with an old friend (Susanna S, who is on Channel 5 news!), getting used to my neighborhood (called Uptown), and taking in the local sights and eats (though I have yet to figure out what is "Minnesotan food"). Susanna and I checked out the Minnesota State Fair, which is a really big deal around here. It's like Buffalo Grove Days meets Six Flags meets Taste of Chicago. It is supposedly the second largest state fair second only to Texas, which is granted to be huge! I got to indulge in the deep-fried gluttony of the State Fair, including deep-fried oreos and cheese curds (which were really good, but their strength and saltiness was a little much by the end). I also had the best pulled turkey sandwich EVER there!

On the food front, I have taken up cooking and baking quite a bit. It's one of those things that I find so comforting and gratifying to create something (and even better to feed others!). It's also quite cost effective, considering I am now officially poor. I've been thinking of doing a regular entry on this blog called "The Frugal Foodie" (on Fridays, of course!) Maybe I should just start a new blog? At any rate, I want to chronicle my adventures in food given my monetary restrictions. Hmm, anyway, keep posted on that. I promise to offer lots of pictures and recipes. I already have a bunch of things I want to write about: my foray into making pizzas, quiche, some Filipino dishes, the Farmer's Market, and more. Stay Tuned!

OMGWTFBBQ!!!!

2007-09-25T14:59:00.000-04:00

AHHHH! You have nooooo idea how HAPPY I am!!! I want to do a little dance!

I just got word that the manuscript for a research study I spent the last three years working on was just accepted for publication in The Journal of Counseling Psychology, which is totally freakin' awesome because it is APA's flagship journal in my field. Ahhh, my first manuscript acceptance to a peer-reviewed journal!!! My research team worked so hard on this, recruiting Chinese immgrant youth, their parents, teachers, and school personnel to participate in focus groups...translating and transcribing the Chinese transcripts... analyzing and reanalyzing the data into themes...writing up the manuscript, getting some very critical feedback that forced us to reconceptualize our findings...but all in all, the hard work paid off! But really, I'm not just happy about this publication as a bragging point or because I get to add an entry to my CV...I'm also excited that this work will now be a part of the Counseling Psychology literature, to be shared and disseminated among the canon of knowledge. We felt like the stories of these youth and the contexts they operate in are so rich yet often unheard, obscured by the general invisibility of low-income Asian immigrants and insidious model minority stereotypes. It is so validating that these issues are being taken seriously in the field.

Well, now that the manuscript was accepted, there's still a bit of the waiting game involved. The journal publishing process is quite long, so the article probably won't come out for another 18 months or so. But this is what will go on my CV:

Yeh, C. J., Kim, A. B., Pituc, S. T., & Atkins, M. (in press). Chinese immigrant youth in flux and out of place: A story of poverty, loss, and resilience. Journal of Counseling Psychology.

Thanks so much to all of you who supported me in the process of this work! ::hugs::

I left my heart...

2007-09-06T01:07:00.001-04:00

in San Francisco
High on a hill, it calls to me
To be where little cable cars
Climb halfway to the stars!
And the morning fog will chill the air

I don't care.

When I come home to you, San Francisco,
Your golden sun will shine for me!
* * * * * *
Exactly one year ago today, I landed in San Francisco about to embark on what I considered "the study abroad that I never went on." You see, I grew up and went to college in the Midwest, the greater Chicagoland area to be exact. As a young adult in the Midwest, I felt that there was more out there that I wanted to see, more that I wanted to do. So I headed to NYC to get my masters. Despite the effects of the on-the-go, in-your-space lifestyle, I still loved that city. I loved the culture. I loved the diversity. I saw myself living in NYC for the greater part of my adult life.

But then, life happens. A great professional opportunity arose for me: a one-year position in San Francisco that would give me freedom to apply to doctoral programs. My entire life, I had *never* considered living on the West Coast. Isn't that for really laid back people who say "dude" a lot? I had just begun to get settled in NYC, finally adjusted to the urban life, established relationships, had professional connections. In SF, I had two friends and zero relatives. But I decided to follow my gut and throw myself into a completely unpredictable year.

I won't lie. The first five months or so, I had a strong disdain for SF. I made constant comparisons to NYC, and SF always came up short. I bemoaned the seeming necessity of a car. MUNI couldn't hold a candle to the MTA. Businesses close so early! The food is so fussy! Bourgie people with their organic produce and cage-free eggs!

As I got over the adjustment hump, I realized that I had been unfair and naive in comparing SF to NYC. It's like comparing Fujis with Navels. So, I stopped complaining and sought to embrace all the wonderful unique things that SF has to offer. This meant pushing myself to take risks and try things I had never considered before. I became active on Yelp, a robust community that could only flourish like it has in a city as open-minded as SF. I met and became friends with people from different walks of life, learning something new from each and every one of them. I reaped the culinary and cultural benefits living in a city with the largest Asian population in the US. I took in the wonders of Nature at Muir Woods, in wine country, and even just walking around Russian Hill. I acquainted my self with the many different neighborhoods, appreciating the character and cultural differences in each one (the Mission and the Richmond being my favorites). I learned that people don't just buy organic to be pretentious but to support the local agricultural industry...and that everything from the Farmer's Market really does look, smell, and taste better! I realized that business close early because people truly value quality of life! And maybe I wanted that too...a life where I am not struck with Seasonal Affective Disorder every year, a life where I actually get out and enjoy myself instead of fighting the crushing of my soul.

Before I knew it, I had fallen in love with San Francisco and the Bay Area. Of course, like any city, it has its pros and cons. But, ironically, for a place I had never seen myself living in, I have never felt more like "myself"- a happier, more open-minded, easy-going, extroverted, nature-loving person that I had never even known possible. As I move on to this next phase of my life, I take a piece of SF with me in my heart. Yes, I am very sad to be away, but I take comfort in knowing that one day I will return to the city that my soul calls Home.

Believing in the unbelievable

2007-08-11T04:07:00.000-04:00

Many cultures have a certain amount of superstition or belief in the supernatural. But it seems that in our science-crazy culture here in the U.S., there is a stigma against believing in what can't be observed (well, I guess that's the antithesis of science). I've always been someone who believes in a greater sense of cosmic energy or even fate, but very skeptical of premonitions and ghosts. I think that's been mostly out of fear. I remember when I was in the 7th grade or so, I went to the Philippines and had my palm read by a fortune teller. She said that she saw me moving a lot and having success in my education. However, she also talked about me getting a divorce of sorts and difficulty with having children. I just don't want to know that kind of stuff. I'd rather be ignorant and deal w/ it when it happens.

My friend just told me about a tarot card reading that she had a year ago, before we became close. In that reading, there was this person who was going to come into her life and play a certain role...but that it would not be revealed for another year or two. She and her friend who did the tarot reading both realized that I am that person...and I have to say that there were details in that reading that creeped the heck out of me. It was so dead on. The other part is that the reading said that I would have a death and then a related birth - of course it is unclear whether that is literal or metaphorical (um, please no babies for me). However, I did lose my grandma this year and have had some other chapters of my life end very recently. I guess I am about to embark on a new life of sorts as I move to Minnesota to pursue my doctorate....so maybe that is the "birth." Then there was also a whole crazy thing about my friend dreaming about my grandma's death before it happened and how she had never met my grandma yet dreamt exactly what she looked like. It's kind of crazy, huh?

I don't know. Being a skeptic can be a lot easier sometimes. I'm still afraid to inquire about the future, yet I am still curious....like watching a scary movie with my hand over my eyes and peeking through. I wonder if any one else has had similar experiences with future prediction or premonitions. I don't want to hear ghost stories, those are just too much for me!

San Francisco Sights

2007-06-07T05:00:00.000-04:00

Over the last two weeks, I have been fortunate to have Jon and Elaine come visit me back to back. It was so wonderful to share this great city with them, and even better to spend time with old friends. Reflecting on how hectic things were the last two weeks, I am amazed at how I was able to play Tour Guide. Who knew that in such a short time living here, that I would be able to give neighborhood tours and eating excursions! It is true that I have made a concerted effort to try to get the most out of the Bay Area during this little stopover before the big move to MN.

It has been a rough time adjusting to such a different lifestyle here in SF, but I am now quite sad to leave it. There's really no city like it, and it is unfair to compare it to NYC. Living out here has helped me to discover parts of myself that I would have never explored otherwise. I've become attuned to how much I treasure being in nature, serene and unfettered from the trifles of my ego (see pic a Right of Muir Woods). I never thought I would be someone to like hiking and trail-making! I realized how much I enjoy creative outlets like photography, crafts, and writing. Perhaps it is coincidental that these realizations have all occurred in my first(and possibly last!) year out of school, but I also think that there is something about San Francisco that has brought out the best in me. There's an energy to this place that makes me want to explore these different sides of myself. Being in NYC, I felt like the environment was one that was bordering soul-crushing. In SF, on the otherhand, I feel like my soul is being liberated.

Anyway, back to the Tour Guide business...I made it a point to show my guests around SF as a local, exploring neighborhoods and hidden gems rather than hitting up the usual touristy spots. We spents lots of time in the Mission, the Inner Richmond (my neighborhood), North Beach, Russian Hill. We even drove out to wine country (see pic at Left) for a whole day. I had so much fun taking J and E around the city, showing them my favorite places to eat, browse around for tsochkes, and just plain wander around. While I think that J was a little less convinced (he must have been going through the adjustment of the quiet of SF as opposed to living on Columbus Ave), Elaine said at one point, "This is Utopia!" I felt so proud.

Well, I have just less than three months left (much less than that with the hustle and bustle of Conference season, etc) here in the Bay Area, but I am doing my best to not become despondent. I've had a blast meeting people out here and experiencing the SF scene for all its worth...and I don't plan on slowing down in the coming months! Perhaps one day, I will return to SF and know it like the back of my hand.

who am i anyway?

2007-05-24T02:39:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to the world of blogging, Self. Life and other writing pursuits have been taking up my time recently...and my blogging habits were pretty inconsistent to begin with.

Anyway, for a while, I have been contemplating blogging about my thoughts on the fluidity of Self in response to contextual factors. There's a lot of theory and research on this topic in psychology (especially from my mentor!), but I'd like to relay my personal reflections on the topic.

Having met so many different kinds of people and lived in different states and cultures, I have been exposed to a number of ways of life and being. Wherever I go, I seem to have a relatively easy time adapting to my surroundings. New York? Sure, I can get easily irritable and be in a rush to go everywhere. California? I'm hella chill, yo - compared to when I was in NYC anyway!

It's not just my temperment and geographic location that seem to be synchronized. I also have an uncanny ability to pick up the idiosynchrosies of those around me. This is the most problematic to me, for I start to wonder whether I have a stable sense of Self. Is there an essence of Steph, or am I just a pastiche of components of my context? Why does this even bother me? Is this a product of my individualistic cultural conditioning that asserts that each person should have a stable identity, unique from all others'? Do people who support the idea of fluid identities also support the idea of "personality?" The concept of personality fascinates me, for how it is studied and popularly considered, it appears to be a very dispositional (rather than situational) characteristic. While, I don't have THAT many existential crises, I'm going through a time of personal challenges, reflection, and growth. I'm trying to figure out "who I am" and whether this question matters anyway if that is always changing.

not a winner, but hopefully not a loser

2007-03-08T01:50:00.001-05:00

"March 5-11 is National Problem Gambling Awareness Week" - Oh, the irony.

I know it's kind of strange, but I am actually slightly depressed that I did not win the $370 million Mega Millions jackpot. I had spent the whole day fantasizing about all that I would do with the money (which would be half that amount after taxes, but still...). First order of business, pay off my ridiculous student loan debt. Then pay my parents' debt and mortgage, finance my brother's college education, set up money for my parents to have enough money to retire in California.Give more money to family in need. Donate to some worthy causes (the environment, some non-profits to help low-income immigrants, only give to NU for the Asian American studies program or something like that). Finally travel all around the world. Invest enough to be able to retire a millionaire. Oh yeah, probably buy myself a new wardrobe from all those cute little boutiques that I am forever windowshopping from. Hire a personal trainer to kick my ass? Funny thing is that it never occured to me that I would take the "I'm going to quit my job and never live a day in my life!" route. I would still want to go to get my PhD and pursue my academic dreams. Am I crazy??? There are definitely some things that money can't buy.

wontons to wine in a week

2007-03-05T01:33:00.000-05:00

(From left: NYC Chinatown for Chinese New Year, fresh snow on Boston College's campus, USF campus just one day later, Sonoma County)

Phew! In 10 days, I went from NYC to Boston to SF to Sonoma County (and next weekend I'll be in Chicago!). I was also supposed to visit Minneapolis this weekend, but that plan was derailed by the snowstorms in the Midwest. Too bad, because then I could have added another picture of snow (despite the mild sarcasm, I really do find snow beautiful). Disappointed as I was to miss that trip to visit the U of Minnesota, I was able to join some friends on my first visit to wine country in Sonoma County!

Being the wine country noob, I was happy that my friends are old pros at this kind of thing and planned out the whole itinerary. We caravanned from SF to Sonoma (about 1.5 hours) and spent the entire day visiting the various wineries in the Russian River Valley region. This weekend was also the first weekend for barrel tasting, when the wineries allow the public to sample the "futures" - the batch of wine that was most recently harvested and put into barrels for fermentation.

Oenology, like any area of expertise, is a culture in itself, complete with a set of terms and norms (i.e., wash out your glass w/ the provided caraffe before a new tasting, esp from red to white) that leave the outsider (read: me) feeling like they stepped into a foreign language film. Sonoma's winery culture tends to be particularly laid back and intimate. From what I hear, Napa wineries are larger and more commercial/touristy, but they also do more in terms of educating visitors. I would have appreciated this more structured education. It's kind of embarassing when you don't even have base knowledge to know what kinds of questions to ask! Perhaps I should take some formal wine-tasting class...that's on the to-do list for some day.

What I realized I enjoy most is the art of wine pairing. It's so delightful how various notes in a cheese or dish can be accentuated by a certain wine. That's what I exactly love about cooking, especially extemporaneous recipe-free cooking. Discovering harmonious permutations of flavors and textures is so exciting! Well, I may never be a true oenophile but I will always strive to be an authentic gourmand.

move over TastiD, Pinkberry is here

2007-02-28T00:19:00.000-05:00

TastiD-Lite has just been dethroned as my favorite frozen dessert guilt-free indulgence. After reading this article from the NYTimes about the Pinkberry phenomenon, I HAD to have it. Some might say that comparing Pinkberry is like comparing apples and oranges, but I think of it more like comparing...um, foie gras with liverspread out of a can (sorry to my veggie friends out there). Ok, I still got love for TastiD, especially for the chocolate/peanut butter flavors - Pinkberry only has vanilla and green tea bases - but even I have to admit that TastiD seems strangely unnatural. Excerpted from my Yelp review:

Titillating your taste buds, sour and sweet, in ways never experienced before, Pinkberry is frozen yogurt for foodies. Yogurt perfectly paired with fresh fruit toppings, cereal, or nuts create a harmonic explosion of refreshing flavors and textures. The first bite is curious, but every one thereafter is ecstatic. Upon reaching the last lick of your spoon and facing an empty cup, you feel both sublime gratifcation and yearning for your next tasty tryst. This shizz is not your ordinary soft-serve, it's soft-core gastronomy.

Right now Pinkberry locations are only in LA, NYC, and Las Vegas, but I hear that this frozen yogurt craze is expanding to other chains...so hopefully the tasty, tart goodness will come to your town soon!

compliments in sheep's clothing

2007-02-06T00:33:00.000-05:00

The New York Times had a great article yesterday reflecting on the ridiculousness of Senator Joe Biden's comments about Senator Barack Obama as “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Some of you out there may sympathize with Biden's excuse that this was meant to be complimentary. Lynette Clemetson explains why that's BS:

That is the core of the issue. When whites use the word ["articulate"] in reference to blacks, it often carries a subtext of amazement, even bewilderment. It is similar to praising a female executive or politician by calling her “tough” or “a rational decision-maker.”
“When people say it, what they are really saying is that someone is articulate ... for a black person,” Ms. Perez said.

Such a subtext is inherently offensive because it suggests that the recipient of the “compliment” is notably different from other black people.

For other racial/ethnic minorities, these stereotypes and assumptions are sadly all too common. One of my biggest pet peeves is when White folks patronize People of Color with their compliments such as, "Oh, you speak English so well!" (I know many, many Asians born and raised in the US who have been subject to this, as well as Asian immigrants who were educated in the US or lived here for quite some time). The message is, "You're not expected to speak English because you are a perpetual foreigner in this country." The other day, I received a compliment from a woman about looking like I am hapa haole (Hawaiian for part Caucasian/white) because of my compartively light skin for a Filipina. Now, I am not saying I have anything against those who are biracial, nor am I against compliments but damn, did that piss me off...so that means being closer to White makes me more attractive? I couldn't even get my bearings to tell her why it was so irritating. What about my brother who is a very handsome young man, but happens to be very much darker in skin tone? This is going in a bit of a tangent from my original intention but I must get into it...what irritates me the MOST is when People of Color fall into this trap of internalized racist messages and take on the belief that White, Eurocentricism = better. Brown and black and yellow are beautiful! Assimilation is not the only option for survival, success, and happiness in the US (there is an entire body of literature on acculturation in the social sciences).

Okay, enough of that for now. I am planning on spending the rest of my life studying this stuff, so I guarantee there will be more to come.

The lesson of this blog is that before you praise someone, check yourself first: what are the underlying assumptions of what is "normal" or valued in your statement?

the way to a Filipino's heart is through the stomach

2007-02-02T02:31:00.000-05:00

kare kare (makeshift recipe below)

Filipino culinary culture follows a rustic, oral tradition. Dishes are comprised of simple ingredients (well, mostly meat) with simple presentation. Recipes are not written down in cookbook for posterity. I have always been amazed at how my mom and my grandma would just "know" how much to include of what. Cooking skills are passed on in an informal apprenticeship, where the child watches on as her parent cooks hearty meals for the whole family.

It wasn't until I moved out and lived on my own (in a situation where I didn't have dining points to live on) that I realized that as much as I grew up watching the women of my house chop, saute, and fry day-in and day-out, I didn't really know how to do it for myself. I was simply a consumer of Filipino food, while my elders happily have been the suppliers. In fact, that was part of the parent-child caretaking role. Food = love. Therefore, to show and receive love, the parent cooks, and the child eats. Food is a source of pride, and it is an act of giving of oneself.

Until recently, I didn't really try to cook Filipino food on my own because the role seemed too foreign to me. I don't cook when I'm at home in Buffalo Grove, my parents cook for me. And when I am on my own, I cook "non-home" food (i.e., non-Filipino) like salads, sandwiches, pasta, random stir fry, and of course ramen. Silly as it may sound, it was as if I had a resistance to bringing such a major part of my life growing up into my present world. Perhaps, if I cooked Filipino food for myself, then I would be denying my parents their God-given role. Plus, there's no such thing as Filipino cooking for one! Food, like love, is best shared with as many people as possible.

Well, I have had the good fortune of finding an amazing group of Filipina women as roommates, and they've helped me to feel like I have an extension of my family here in San Francisco. It's been comforting to simply share meals w/ them and talk about all the amazing Filipino food we grew up eating. Soon enough, I started craving traditional Filipino food, not just eating it but wanting to cook it too.

Finally, I was ready to attempt to replicate my mom's homecooking masterpieces; this would be my latest rite of passage. So I have started calling up Mom and Tatang and asking them a million times, "So, how do you cook [insert dish]?" I realized that my parents delighted in this new role as teacher; they could finally show their love through food once again. It really is amazing how good it makes my parents to feel like they are needed and, more importantly, that they are contributing to my satiety. It was wonderful to find a balance to the parent-child relationship where I could be independent and still rely on my parents (To hell with attachment theory).

My first independently cooked meal was pancit guisado (i.e., stir fried noodles), of my mom's own formulation. That was a hit and I am eager to try it again for my roommate's birthday this month. Tonight, I took on the adventure of cooking kare kare (pictured above). Kare kare is an oxtail stew w/ peanut sauce, easily one of my favorite Filipino homecooked dishes. Like most traditional cooking, it is NOT low-fat, low-calorie, or low-anything. However, unlike many other Filipino dishes, it does include vegetables. No, I do not have a formal recipe and in my attempt to be truly authentic, I avoided using a recipe online. Here is basically what my parents told me to do (it's all trial and error anyway, how spontaneous!):

Ingredients (varying by how much meat you have, should be proportioned so that veggies don't overwhelm)
about 1-1.5 lbs Ox tail, have them chopped if sold whole
1 Onion
chopped Garlic
1/2 -3/4 c. Peanut butter (best to use smooth)
Green beans
1-2 Japanese eggplant
4-5 heads of Bok choy
Napa cabbage (my family doesn't include this so I omitted it)
~ 1 tsp. Annatto seed powder
~ 1 tsp. Cornstarch
Salt or bagoong ( aka, salted shrimp paste)

Boil the ox tail for a very long time until it is tender, but not too soft or it will become mushy and fall apart in the sauce (on low fire anywhere from 2-3 hours depending on how much meat is on the bone). While the meat is boiling, skim off the scum that forms and as much oil as you can. You can also choose to cook the vegetables in this pot and then remove and separate the veggies when they're cooked, to be added at the very end. Separate the stock and the meat. If this is the night before, you can place the stock in the fridge and then scrape off the excess fat in the morning. Saute the onions and garlic in some oil, then add the meat and brown for a bit. Add some of the stock to the pan enough to make a good amount of sauce, but not too much b/c you can always add but not take away (too thin kare kare is a pity). Add peanut butter (no I have no measurement, I just guessed and tasted til it was peanutty enough) and break it down in the liquid. In a separate cup or bowl, dissolve a small amount (about 1 tsp) of the annatto seed and cornstarch in water. The annatto powder will give it a scrumptious orange tint and the cornstarch will help the sauce to thicken. At this point, you can add the veggies and boil til it's all cooked. Otherwise, just add the precooked veggies and that's it. Usually kare kare is served with bagoong (aka, salted shrimp paste, pictured at left) as a condiment. Unfortunately, I mysteriously developed an allergy to it, so I just seasoned the meat w/ salt as it was browning. Serve your kare kare with rice, and then reserve at least an hour to recover from food coma. Enjoy!

In Memoriam

2007-01-09T22:10:00.000-05:00

My Inang

June 27, 1912-December 26, 2006

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
(1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

My grandma, or "Inang" as we all called her ("mother" in our dialect), was the embodiment of Love. Her love touched the lives of an incredible number of people - as a sister to 8, a mother to 7, a grandmother to 29, a great-grandmother to 23, and not to mention as a cousin, aunt, godmother, friend to many others. She was never stingy with her love, always answering "I love you all!" when her grandchildren would tease with the question of "Who is your favorite?"

Inang was a beautiful, kind woman of incredible fortitude and selflessness. Inang experienced many difficult times - from her days in the Philippines during the Japanese occupation in WWII (she used to tell me about how she and her family had to hide in a ditch), to becoming a widow with 7 children to look after, to her immigration to Chicago in 1969, to her diagnosis of cancer in the thyroid in the 70s, to her last days when fate knocked at her door with the return of cancer and her body finally succumbing to the unbearable pain from the metastasized cancer in her bones. She endured through these and many other painful experiences with the dignity and grace worthy of myth.

Although I was not alive for the first 70some years of her life, I am certain of her virtues as a witness to her last days. When we brought Inang to the hopsital the Friday before Christmas, she had already been feeling intense pain in her back and ribs. As a result, she had barely been eating for almost two weeks, and upon admittance to the ER, we learned that she was near kidney failure from dehydration. Just the day before that, she had started to undergo radiation therapy to try to shrink the malignant mass in her pharynx - but the two treatments she received were simply too much for her weak body. Even in that frail state, she was thinking of her family, asking us on the ride home from radiation in a barely perceptible whisper, "Nu ko bisang mangan?" or "Where do you want to eat?" - showing her love and concern for her family in the characteristically-Filipino way of attending to our stomachs first.

Over the five days she was in the hospital, Inang's entire extended family in the States (nearly 50 of us, all but me living near Chicago) took turns keeping vigil at her bedside, hoping that she would stabilize and be able to go home to Buffalo Grove. Although her pain went from horrible to insufferable, Inang insisted on maintaining her independence in the daily functions we take for granted as healthy adults like sitting up and going to the bathroom. She even remained kind in her most agonizing and difficult moments, always thanking the nurses for their help after she had been screaming from the pain when they changed her position in bed or when she refused to take medicine. The pain's intensity was clear from the strength of her grip when she was feeling the sharpness in her bones, but her pleadings with God to take away the pain never approached infantile. I was amazed at the dignity with which she handled herself, where the strongest of spirit would probably die from despair. My greatest regret is realizing only at her deathbed that Inang was and is my hero, the kind of person that I want to be.

Inang's last days and hours served as a testament to her complete selflessness and devotion to her family. As of the night of the 25th, Inang's condition had steadily deteriorated, and the decision was made to pursue palliative care. We knew that Inang's last moments were before us. However, her heart was still beating strong, as if her will to live was trying to overcome the abuses of nature on her body. Many of us felt that Inang was fighting to stay alive just a little longer so that she would not die on Christmas. One minute to midnight of the 26th, Inang stopped breathing. The room had been nearly full, and we erupted in tears and cries of indignation. How could she really be gone? After a couple of minutes, miraculously, Inang started breathing again! It was as if she had heard us in our despair and knew that we were not fully prepared for her to go. Inang held on for another 15 hours, finally laying to rest when almost everyone had either gone home to shower or to the family waiting room to take a nap. Her vitals had still appeared strong, so we all thought she might stay with us another day or two. But no, she left us peacefully when we were all in a moment of repose.

The loss of Inang has been especially devastating for me and my immediate family, as she lived with my father for all but 3 of his 60 years of life. For my entire life, Inang watched after my younger brother and me as our parents worked. She sang us traditional Capampangan songs and cooked amazing meals (like her famous fried chicken and my personal favorite, liver). Nearly every night up until I was about 7, Inang would"pik pik" me to sleep (pat me on the leg in a steady rhythm) in the bed we shared in our family's Chicago apartment. Even as we moved to the suburbs and I moved into a different room, Inang remained my constant caretaker - waking me up to go to school, cooking me breakfast, and incessantly asking, "Mengan na ka?" or "Have you eaten yet?" Inang was like my third parent, making sure that my brother and I were safe, well-fed, and had money in our pockets to buy "bakal" or lunch. Treating her like a parent, I even occassionally snapped at her for her seemingly inordinate concern during my obnoxious teenage years. But she never scolded us, never reprimanded us. At worst, she would cry in frustration, "How could you treat me like this?!" She brought a whole new meaning to "unconditional love."

I truly believe that it was in Inang's plan - in God's plan - that she left this world the way she did. Her family had the opportunity to finally reciprocate the love and care that Inang had shown us all. What a gift! I am so grateful to have been graced with Inang's love, and I take comfort in knowing that she can finally rest in eternal beatitude in Heaven.

Holiday cheer is here!

2006-12-04T13:40:00.000-05:00

Last night, my roommate (Abigail) and I were discussing for the 10th time about how much we wish we had a Christmas tree for our cute flat. Then Abigail, being the avid supporter of Craigslist that she is, said, "Hey, why don't we check out Craigslist?" I was skeptical. But lo and behold, there was a posting for a FREE White Pine tree that was posted only 20 minutes prior...the Craiglist gods smiled on us and we were the first to get a hold of the people. All this is excitement is because this is my very first fresh Christmas tree (hey, how many people have fresh Christmas trees in the Philippines?)!!! That fresh pine smell!!! Wow, Pine-Sol suddenly isn't so fresh smelling. Who needs Santa Claus when you have Craig and his own List? Well, here are some pics of the tree (yes it's imperfect, but it was FREE and nature is usually beautifully imperfect anyways). Also, check out the funny snowflake we made and an ornament in the shape of a Christmas tree that I knitted (how meta!). I will post the completed tree once we have it more decorated. Any ideas of cheap and easy to make decorations?

USPS = WORST

2006-12-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

The USPS is the most unreliable mail service EVER. I thought that FedEx was bad, but I have been convinced otherwise. My future career is now jeopardized because of this wretched establishment.

surprise, a famous White guy is racist

2006-11-29T02:39:00.000-05:00

You might have heard about the racist rant that former Seinfield actor-comedian Michael Richards (better known as "Kramer") made during a stand-up gig last week, captured on video and posted at TMX.com. Richards must have gotten an earful from his publicist b/c he made his rounds to various shows such as Jesse Jackson's nationally syndicated radio show, full of apologies and claiming that he was "shattered" that he was capable of such atrocious behavior. Whatever. I'd like to believe that he is personally disturbed by his actions and attitudes, but come on...were they really that latent to himself? If you watch the tape, you will see how his hateful words come from some deep-seated attitudes, not just a random slip of the tongue.

When the nightly news was covering this story, my family and I got into a big debate over how it is being treated. Some people argued that the media shouldn't even give the story so much coverage because it is just drawing more attention and publicity to Richards (and any other person whose image and character would be on the line). Though I do see some truth to that, I had a strong reaction in opposition. I feel that it's important to bring these kinds of racial incidents to light, especially when it involves public figures (even if they're has-been celebrities)...if we just ignored it, it would be as if the media was complicit in making it seem like these racist attitudes are no big deal.

I must concede, however, that there tends to be too much sensationalism around these kinds of acts of indivdiual racism and discrimination. The media's treatment of racism as simply racial rants and pejoratives belies the much more pervasive and insidious forms of racism that go unnoticed in the public consciousness such as instituational and cultural racism (e.g., inequitable economics, employment practices, public policy, aesthetic Eurocentricism).

The bottom line is that I think that the media should hold people in the public eye accountable for their individual acts of bigotry, but there should be greater attention to the forms of oppression that penetrate the very mechanics of our society.

Welcome (back) to the OC, B-TCH!!!

2006-10-30T00:53:00.000-05:00

The official season premiere of Fox's The O.C. is this Thursday night. BUT you can watch the first episode on MySpace (you'll have to download a player for it). Many fans, myself included, have been skeptical about the future of the show sans-Marissa Cooper (that's Mischa Barton, whose character was killed off during the last season finale, to those of you too cool to watch the show).

Well, I just watched it, and it has exceeded my very low expectations. Although Marissa's not technically on the show, she's still very much present in the storyline - especially with regards to how everyone copes and responds to the tragedy. Hooray for psychological complexity! It looks like this season is taking a much darker, more adult tone, somewhat reminiscent of the (AMAZING) first season. Thank goodness this probably means that there won't be any more stupid episodes like the one where they get locked in and camp out at the local mall.

Other things to look forward to: Ryan (Ben McKenzie) is a badass again! No more wimpy Ryan w/ goofy looking hair. Julie Cooper (Melinda Clarke) being hooked on prescription meds - she was always more interesting when she was messed up. More complexity w/ the character of Summer (Rachel Bilson) as she goes off to Brown, copes with Marissa's death by becoming a hippie, and tries to work out a long distance relationship w/ Seth (Adam Brody). Aside: Rachel Bilson is so damn cute, I can hardly stand it. I think I want to be her.

Storylines that I could do with out (and hopefully won't kill the series): new character/cast regulars' Kaitlin Cooper (Willa Holland) and Taylor Townsend (Autumn Reeser). They're both extremely obnoxious, although there is potential for some complexity in their characters. Let's hope the writing develops that.

Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if this were the last season of the show since the ratings have been quite lackluster over the last couple of years. Creator and writer Josh Schwartz better step up b/c The O.C. is up against Grey's Anatomy during the same time slot. That's killer. Even being the die hard O.C. fan that as I am, that's a tough call. Hopefully Josh Schwartz has realized that he has to go back to his writing genius of the first season. Devlop your story lines. Don't pack too much into one episode. More substance. And for Pete's sake, let Ryan have the mental breakdown that's been building up for all his life. That boy needs a good cry.

2006-10-23T16:53:00.000-04:00

Why is "doing the right thing" often so difficult?

Preserve Asian American Immigrant History

2006-10-06T14:55:00.000-04:00

I learned about this through the AAPA listserve You can vote everyday to save Angel Island Immigration Station til October 30th!

http://www.partnersinpreservation.com

***Did you or your families come as immigrants?
***Would you like to preserve a key and unique site of Asian American immigration history?***Do you want to support the famous Chinese poems written by Angel Island detainees?
***If you said yes to any of these, then take 1 minute, click and vote here:

http://www.partnersinpreservation.com

*NOTE: You can vote every day for the Angel Island Station until October 31st.*

*Background:*As many of you know, the Angel Island Immigration Station was the gateway and detention center for many Asian Americans in the early part of this century. Known as the Ellis Island of the West, this historical site is noted for the Chinese poems carved into the barracks walls by the detainees.

However, the site is in desperate need of renovation to preserve the entire station. American Express is conducting a contest to determine which historical site will receive funding in its restoration efforts. Your vote for the Angel Island Immigration Station will help to secure funds for this restoration effort.

My first week in the City by the Bay

2006-09-13T03:03:00.000-04:00

This may be redundant for the 2 people who read this, but I feel bad for not updating the blog. Anyway, I'm here in foggy San Francisco. Everyone who has been here told me that it was really foggy and chilly, but for some reason I refused to believe them. Hence, I am stuck here with one jacket and a suitcase full of summer clothes that I can't wear (which I had assumed to be appropriate for California living, but apparently not San Francisco living). Just go give you an idea, let me share this Mark Twain quote that no less than 5 people have already told me since I got here, "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." People here seem to be obsessed w/ the weather and talking about how odd it is - I guess in that aspect, I am already assimilated! The Mission is one of the warmest spots of the city, where I live and work is the foggier/colder part of the city. Don't even get started on how much warmer it is in the East Bay - I start to experience weather envy. Supposedly September and October get warmer than the previous "summer" months. Complaining about the MUNI public transporation and expressing an equal disdain for driving (rather, parking and the City's love of giving tickets) seem to be other past-times of people here in SF. The city is in this weird place between being fully public transportationable and neccessitating a car. Good thing I enjoy getting lost on foot in new neighborhoods and find bus rides strangely calming.

Well, aside from lamenting about how much colder it is than I expected and waiting around for inconsistent buses (pic above is the 7, a pretty reliable line I take everyday to work), I've been pretty busy in my first week. One of my good friends and roommate from college, Susannah, has been a gracious and irreverent tourguide. She also introduced me to the wonders of Burmese food and larb gai (a delightful Thai melange of chewy, crunchy, sour, spicy, warm, cold, and overall goodness). I also visited some family friends in South San Francisco, which I learned the hard way - in other words paying a penalty for trying to use my MUNI monthly pass b/c I thought that South SF counted for BART travel w/in the city - is not actually a part of San Francisco! There in "South City" I bought me some sanity in the form of a wooden fold-up chair (I am building on my paltry furniture collection of an aerobed and a desk my roommates were going to trash) and an awesome 8-for-the-price-of-6 pack of Fruit of the Loom underwear at Target. God bless Target. Anyway, It's such a blessing to have friends and family here to provide me with a sense of home.

Oh yeah, and I started work at USF too. That is the University of San Francisco, not to be confused with the University of California-San Francisco or San Francisco State University, because almost every person I tell seems to mix these up. USF is a private, Jesuit school (though surprisingly progressive and liberal) located near Golden Gate park. Since it's a small school with a small number of faculty and staff, it has a really nice community feel to it. Since I'm currently having an obsession w/ the color green, I'm also digging its school colors (green and gold). The picture to above is no exaggeration of the campus. That is one part of campus called "Lone Mountain" where the President's office, some admin offices, and some classes are located. It is in fact on a mountainlike piece of earth, which means it has a fantastic view of the fog - I mean, the city! I've been spending a lot of time setting up my office (I have an office! a phone extension! perhaps I am easy to please) and going through boxes we packed up months ago from Teachers College (Dr. Yeh moved from TC to USF, if you didn't know). The job's somewhat esoteric, so forgive me if it makes no sense. I basically "coordinate" (still vague, I know) stuff related to Dr. Yeh's research and her grant from NIMH. It's really interesting how complicated research and academic work is. I'm also helping out as a TA to Dr. Yeh's Counseling Theory and Practice class, which is awesome experience. I really think I would want to become a professor and teach. I'm inspired by how much students bring and how much they can take away from the learning experience. Hopefully, I will gain more confidence so that I can be an effective teacher!

Last, but not least, I have been doing apartment hunting while subletting for the month in the Lower Haight neighborhood. I love the location I'm currently in b/c it's kinda funky but not too subversive for a Gap-whore like me. It's also somewhat in the middle of the city - close to work and provides easy access to so many other neighborhoods. Right now, I'm looking for a more permanent location either in the (Inner) Richmond and Sunset neighborhoods, as well as the Panhandle region near USF, and Laurel/Presidio Heights. None of that probably makes sense to you. Given that this is my VERY FIRST non-college housing hunt, it has been quite a learning experience. Well, I'm slowly figuring it out - what I've learned is that I can get lots of cheap Asian food and goods in the Inner Richmond and Inner Sunset, I don't feel safe in the Mission, and I am less likely to share a bathroom with 5-6 people in places more central to the city. I will keep you posted on where I end up - should have it figured out in the next couple of weeks.

Yikes, I wrote a lot. Hopefully you found it worth reading til the end. I certainly found it worthwhile to write. I forgot how much I enjoy my self-indulgent blogging. Anyway, peace out til next time.

currently addling my brain...

2006-07-22T00:16:00.000-04:00

With more tv than I've watched in my whole life. I'm hoping that this is going to be the only time in my life where I'm voluntarily jobless, hence free to spend a ridiculous amount of time watching tv. I find myself stuck between two states: in utter rapture that there's so much on tv that I love indulging in and then shame and disgust that i have whittled away hours of my life that I will never get back and have nothing productive to show for.

Anyway, since I have very little going on in my life right now to blog about (you prob don't care to read about the GRE), I am going to give my props to the shows that are currently owning my life:

Amercia's Test Kitchen
(public television, check here for showtimes)
I didn't think it was possible, but I think that the place in my heart for the Food Network has shrunk and made room for America's Test Kitchen (ATK). The show is a live version of Cook's Illustrated magazine, which provides tested, tasted, and unbiased (they don't have adverstisers) information on all things concerning cooking: recipes, kitchenware and equipment, ingredients, and more. ATK breaks down cooking to a science (i.e., keep trying different stuff til it tastes as good as it can get) , yet manages to keep it straightforward and accessible for the home-cook. Not to mention the repartee between the chefs and dry-witted Chris Kimball will likely tickle you more than sometimes-ostentatious Alton Brown (still love you, Alton!). Bonus: the ATK website has free content on all the recipes, product testings and tastings, and science discussed in every episode.

Project Runway
(Bravo, Weds at 10EST, reruns throughout the week)
There's a part of me that wants so badly to be freespirited and artistic. I just can't seem to stop being so uptight and in search of concreteness (must be that Sensing-Intuitive struggle in me). Anyway, that's another blog for another day...the fact is that I'm drawn to this show not only for the amazing talent and interesting designs but also the ineluctable drama of reality tv. I just caught up on the first two episodes of the new third season, and there are already some crazy-ass people who I can't wait to get "auf'd" by Heidi Klum (i.e., Vincent, Angela, Jeffrey). It's too early to have favorites, but I am keeping my eye on Robert (he designs for Barbie!) . I think his dress should've won in the first challenge. This week, I was sad to see Malan go b/c he seemed like a nice guy w/ a really bitchy, unsupportive mom.

That's enough time spent on non-tv activity! More on other faves later...

Obama answers the challenge and inspires too

2006-06-19T14:24:00.000-04:00

This past Friday was Northwestern University's (my alma mater) Commencement for the Class of 2006. When my friend Elaine told me that Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) was slated to deliver the commencement address, I was really bummed that I wouldn't be able to attend. I'm even more disappointed that I missed it b/c apparently, Obama's speech was a direct response to an article Elaine had written in the Daily Northwestern, calling on him to not just inspire but to challenge the Class of '06 [Challenge us, Sen. Obama - FORUM].

I appreciated Obama's emphasis of Commencement as a rite of passage into adulthood and the concomitant responsbility to interact and respond to the world in an empathic, mature manner. Obama recounted some lessons he has learned throughout his life that can guide us in becoming adults. I found Obama's speech, which included personal experiences and more largely addressed our self-absorbed consumer culture, the current national leadership, and the U.S.'s role in the world today, inspiring without gagging and challenging without proselytizing. I feel like we can change the world! Read the speech here:
http://www.northwestern.edu/newscenter/stories/2006/06/barack.html

Not only did Obama deliver, but his speech was a pretty awesome shoutouts to my friend. Hey Elaine, perhaps you and Barack can start one of those pen-pal correspondances friendships like back in the day.

Congratulations!!!

worst to-do's ever

2006-06-15T00:42:00.000-04:00

even though school's over, the work never seems to end. and what i have on my plate are pretty much the worst tasks EVER.

Shopping around for loan-consolidation programs - I am convinced that loan lenders in general are fully aware of how crappy it is for the average person to shop around for and compare interest-rates, fees, interest-reduction perks, blah blah blah....GIBBERISH! Prime? LIBOR? Prepayment penalty fees? WTF?!?! They all sound the same! My anxiety around this subject seems to get me into even deeper trouble b/c I am just tempted to take whatever "sounds good" - which is basically an arbitrary decision based on brand recognition. Which is why I ended up taking out an alternative loan in my undergrad that has an interest rate higher than some of my credit cards. I hate you, WellsFargo!
Conducting a long-distance apartment/roommate search - This is the first time I am looking for non-university affiliated housing. Yikes, it's a pain in the butt. Again, the plethora of choices and comparisons to make makes my head spin. Craigslist is great, but it would be even better if there were actually an animated "Craig" on the screen to just tell me which is the best deal, in a good neighborhood, and that the fellow roommates are sane. Anyway, trying to assess these things long-distance and unable to see places and people for myself really sucks. If you would like to donate airfare for me to fly out to San Francisco, I would have to accept it.
Searching for a job - I've passed on my resume to some people in the non-profit world, but beyond that I've been pretty inert on this front. Why is it so overwhelming to look for a job? Oh yes, b/c it actually takes a lot of work. Additional point of complaint: it's not easy to find a part-time counseling job. Perhaps I will fulfill my secret wish to one day waitress or bartend.
Studying for a standardized test - I don't think I even have to explain why this is the worst. Luckily, I came upon a great GRE prep course offered by the Cambridge Adult Center for Education that was a fraction ($300!) of the cost of Kaplan or Princeton Review (~$1000!!!). The instructor also formerly taught w/ Kaplan for years, which inspires confidence. I feel like I found a Marc Jacobs handbag at TJMaxx! Anyway, this still counts as the worst b/c I have to discipline myself into studying hard-core for the next couple of months.

That's enough bitching for now. Apologies to all of you who have much worse things on their minds (which I know is a lot of people).

how do you say goodbye?

2006-06-05T02:37:00.000-04:00

this has been the $64,000 question of the last couple of months...in the counseling profession, we talk about the process of "termination" and how much meaning lies in the way that we approach endings. i've always been quite avoidant when it comes to endings and saying goodbye. i will often make ill-fated promises to keep in touch or "see you later!" when it comes to everyday goodbyes, i often find myself "forgetting" (quotes there b/c to believers of the power of the unconscious, there's no such thing as really forgetting) things and having to go back and face an inevitably awkward double-goodbye (isn't there a bit from Curb Your Enthusiasm about that?). or i psychologically prepare myself for the end of a phase by getting all worked up about all the crappy things about that role/job/person/etc.

then there's the ultimate Termination (i.e., death)...I don't handle that well at all either. in fact, i tend not to handle it period. for those of you out there who are skeptical about psychology and death and all this stuff, hear me out...i've recently come to understand just how profoundly influential your view of death can be on the entire way that you approach life. this came to me as i was reflecting on my 94 year old grandma (we call her Inang, which means "mother" in filipino). my family absolutely refuses to talk about or even acknowledge her future death. i don't think anyone even knows what Inang would actually want with regard to all this. growing up with Inang's mortality blatantly in my face but ignored by everyone involved was really confusing to me and has made it even harder for me to deal with the reality of death. you might not buy it, but i think that this is a major influence on how i have such a difficult time with endings in general....and why i have such a problem just living in the here-and-now, not to mention my problems with debilitating procrastination too. it's almost like to live for today is to accept that there might not be a tomorrow. therefore, i spend almost every minute of my life disconnected with the present (and all the emotions that come with living in the here-and-now), forever trying to distract myself by procrastinating and focused on the nebulous "future" that might not even come! Actually, that's kind of how the overall American/Western orientation toward time is. Cultures who have a more fluid conception of life/death also seem to be more present oriented or at least see time as fluid too. Hmm, i hope i haven't lost you.

anyway, i started out writing this post to reflect on how i''ve been going through some major endings and terminations these last couple of months...i graduated from my masters program, i ended my job at Columbia, my research team dissolved, i terminated w/ my awesome therapist, i said goodbye to many friends, classmates, and co-workers i may never see again, tomorrow is the last day of my year-long internship at LaGuardia, and i'm leaving New York on Tuesday...and there are probably others that i'm missing too. however, this time i feel something different about these endings. i have been more willing to reach out to others and enjoy the time that i have left in these situations. that's also helped me feel more genuine in my offer to keep in touch with others. and i'm finding that people are responding quite positively! it's amazed me these last couple of weeks how kind people are and how powerful our networks can be. when i look back at how i've handled past endings in my life, i can't help but feel regret at the friendships that have fallen apart and the opportunities i have missed b/c of these issues. as i learn more about myself, i struggle to live life for today and all the wonderful people i have in my life at this moment.

(Cue "No Day But Today" from the musical Rent, fade to black)

for the Rent-heads out there...

2006-05-29T12:28:00.000-04:00

Last night, I played Texas Holdem at the same table as Anthony Rapp - best known for his role as Mark Cohen in the original Broadway cast of Rent and last year reprising the role for Chris Columbus' movie version of the musical. No, I didn't say anything in the 2-3 hours we played together (he came while I was playing then I had to leave). I figured a real New Yorker wouldn't even bat an eye, much less make some guy potentially feel awkward when he's just trying to be a normal person playing poker (especially at a 2-4 table). For whose benefit is it anyway to make such a scene??? Anyway, me not being a total Rent-head, I spent the entire time trying to figure out if it was really him, stealing glances and loudly telling my neighbor that I live in New York and seeing if he had a reaction. When his friend (possibly another actor I couldn't put my finger on) joined the table, Anthony became very animated in a way that only a musical theater actor would be (a funny gesticulation here and there and some singing/mumbling...very hard to describe, it's not as weird as I am making it sound). I made some small poker-chit chat w/ him, like commenting on his good fortune that night (his first hand was a straight-flush wheel! A-2-3-4-5 followed by some other good hands and some aggressive plays that led him to a large pile of chips in front of him). At the end of the night, I was debating whether to ask what I had rehearsed in my head all night, "Please excuse me for being rude, but did you play Mark in Rent?" but as I left to get up from the table and said "good night" to the table, he looked at me and said "Have a good night" to me in such a way it was like he was subtly telling me, "Thanks for a normal game of poker." He was so earnest and friendly that I couldn't bear to embarass myself....so I left and instead retreated into pathetic civilian mode, giddily telling Jon and Justin about it and to look at him as we passed by on the way out.

beauty is in the eye of...?

2006-05-23T00:37:00.000-04:00

Since the Superficial has been down, I've replaced it with Pink is the New Blog, a less snarky, more down-to-earth feeling version of the celeblog. I can't get over how Pink is run by some random guy from Detroit (who as a result of the blog?) gets to go to all these random events and well-known to celebs.

Anyway, while looking on Pink one day, I noticed this alleged before/after comparison of Jessica Alba and her nose originally from Plastic Fantastic.

I could go on an intellectualized diatribe about internalized racism and oppression (because you know I love that stuff), but to be honest...my first reaction seeing this wasn't cerebral. It was visceral, emotional. I felt sick to my stomach to think of how many times I have hated my own round, and even worse, unfully-bridged nose. Suddenly, I had flashbacks of my mother chiding me as a child to "pinch my nose" at my every idle moment. I remembered about how I learned about the popping of blood vessels with too much pressure when I placed a clothespin on the bridge of my nose when I was about 8.

Noses are one of those topics in Filipino culture that is similar to skin color among people of color or hair texture among Black women. We all grew up hearing that Filipino noses weren't cute, but ugly. To keep pinching because cartilage can change shape as you grow. My mom comments on how my nose gotten sharper since I was a kid make it seem as if I had made some great accomplishment to take me far in life. It feels like crap hear and see in the media and outside world that you don't measure up to the White European standard of beauty, but it hurts even more to hear it from your family and others who look like you. Eventually you take those messages in and they become a part of your inner commentary to yourself and your own standards of beauty.

Today I feel embarassed about having these self-denigrating feelings. I am ashamed of how these are only a tip of the iceberg of how, in the past and even in the present, I have rejected my culture and identity (I've been too scared to actually put into words the blog entry already in my head about my secret childhood pride in being a "twinkie" - yellow on the outside and white on the inside). At least I'm in a place now where I would take the cute, "before" Jessica Alba nose any day over the "after" nose.

OkCupid, you hit the nail on the head again!

2006-04-23T21:15:00.000-04:00

the Wit
(61% dark, 26% spontaneous, 15% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

The 3-Variable Funny Test!

- it rules -

If you're interested, try my latest:
The Terrorism Test

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 76% on darkness
You scored higher than 7% on spontaneity
You scored higher than 5% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

between silence and a scream

2006-04-17T00:36:00.000-04:00

(at left, Edvard Munch's The Scream)
I've had this blog for a little over a year now, and just 50 posts. It comes out to about 3 and 1/3 posts per month...not terrible, but hardly representative of my desire to share my thoughts and experiences with you all. As I mentioned in my post last week, I have been ruminating over the possible sources of my writer's block.

After some thought, I realize that I have always struggled to "find my voice" in my everday life. Most of the socio-cultural and personal contexts in which I am situated bombard me with unsolicited messages about proscribed topics of discussion (e.g., race, social class, oppression, too many details about my personal life) and prescribed ways of being (e.g., silent, acquiescent, and if I do speak out it should be intellectualized, articulate, and coherent - not emotive, freeflowing). What is the result of such oppression? I am forced into a catatonic state, immobilized by my fears that what I have to say is wrong, stupid, and irrelevant. My fears are reinforced when I speak out, and I am ignored. When I tell a joke and no one laughs until the White person next to me repeats it. When I make a provocative comment in class and my peers do not address it. When I give my opinion on something based on my intuition and am told that I am so "irrational. When I post a blog and no one responds to it.

Now, I like to think that I am not so self-absorbed to believe that every thought I have and word that I say is worthy of the attention of the world...but for so long I have lived with the feeling that what I have to say and my experiences are of no consequence in the world. Now I am realizing that perhaps my silence does not come from my voice being too weak, insignificant, or faulty, it comes from my internalization of all the messages telling me that it is that it is all those things. It is a result of what it means to be Asian in this society compounded with my experience as a woman. And only in these realizations am I beginning to be liberated from the shackles of oppression. I think that the process will be slow in recovering my voice, and I am trying to find ways in which to form the words to represent my thoughts...I would say like a toddler learning to speak, but I don't think that's appropriate. Yes, I am still acquiring the language to express myself but at the same time I feel that it has always been inside me and struggling to get out. There's a strange, recurring dreamlike experience that I have experienced for the past several years that speaks to this.. In my dream, I feel like I am awake and aware that I am lying in bed. Yet, despite all my efforts, I cannot move, I cannot speak, I cannot wake up. I try with all my energy to kick and scream myself into waking consciousness to no avail. When I find that I am stuck in this state, I am overcome with fear that I will never wake up and that I will fade away into the darkness. I feel that I am now rousing from that sleep...and my fear now is that when I speak, will my voice be heard as an incomprehensible shriek? beyond the register of those around me? taken to be part of the background noise? The only way for me to know is to through feedback and dialogue. I want to know that I'm registering, even if you don't agree or like what you hear.

crossing a bridge into the future

2006-04-10T01:16:00.000-04:00

When people start randomly telling you that it's been too long since you've updated your blog, then perhaps it's time to update your blog. This message from a friend was the kick in the pants:

your blog has not been updated for almost 2 months - I know you've been busy with school and everything, but are you trying to tell me you can't squeeze out a couple hundred words a day?

Ahh, but I have tried. Blog ideas float around in my head like background static (or the non-stop NYC traffic and ambulances outside my window). Nearly everyday I imagine myself going to www.blogger.com and finally letting my unfettered meanderings run free. Whether you call it writers' block (not likely since I was hardly a writer in the first place) or just plain procrastination, the situation is that I have found it really difficult to
share my voice with you. There is always a cause for such a block in energy, and lately I've been thinking a lot about what this might be for me.

The most immediate and readily identifiable cause is that I envisioned my next post to be an update, a herald of my life's major changes. Yet every time I thought about immortalizing the words in cyberspace (today's analogue to "putting the words to paper"), anxiety would take over and I would immediately numb myself with obsessive checking of email, surfing my cache of social networking sites, or perusing of NYTimes.com/CNN.com. Hmm, I am probably prolonging that anxiety at this very moment and reined you in anticipation of this news. Well, given that I have started telling the news to random strangers I meet, here goes: I will be moving to San Francisco to work on Dr. Yeh's research grant.

Phew. Well, not really phew. Based on my experience over the last two months of telling people this news, I will now preempt some questions that you might have:

1) When are you leaving?
I plan on moving to SF in September.

2) How long will you be there?
My position is for a year. I plan on applying to doctoral programs in this time for admittance in Fall 2007. For that, who knows where I will be.

3) But what about Jon?!?!
This takes the cake of the FAQ's. Almost always the first question that I get asked. After a lot of reflection and discussion with Jon, I decided that this is the right decision for me right now. It's an amazing opportunity and there's no better time for it than at this juncture in my life. Jon and I have been through a lot over the years, and while it will certainly be challenging to be so long distance, we know that we can be strong. I am so grateful to have a partner so supporting of my personal and professional life. Jon = the greatest!

3a) Wait, how long have you guys been long distance???
Officially dated for 7 years, long distance for 6.5 or so. Yes, it is difficult. But I have to share that it makes it even more difficult when it feels like the world is making out this relationship to be the paragon of long-distance relationships. I feel fortunate to have privileges which have helped to maintain the distance, like a cell phone bill my parents pay for (thank you, family plan), credit cards and income to pay for plane trips to visit each other in college, the $40 Greyhound New York-Boston line, and most importantly the Internet (God bless it). So many families and relationships have endured much worse. When my parents were first married, my father had to immediately leave the Philippines for the U.S. because his papers to immigrate came through. They were apart for two years. It is astoundingly common for immigrant families to endure similar separation from parents, children, and other friends and extended family members in hopes of greater opportunity and a better life. The point of this tangent is that, while I appreciate the sympathy of others, I am also very grateful for my relationship so far and for the resources that I had to make that happen that others do not. And when people keep reminding me over and over again about how awful it must be to go from finally living in the same city with Jon to going across the country, well it just makes me depressed.

Don't get me wrong, everyone has been incredibly supportive, for which I am thankful...I think it is more my own issues. Ever since I learned of this amazing opportunity, I have been battling the ambivalence of this situation. Leaving my long-time partner, old and new friends, and new big-city home = depressing. Living in one of the top three big U.S. cities while I am still young, working closely with my mentor, and doing work that will not only be personally gratifying but professionally enriching = totally exciting.

For a long time, it has been been like swimming through muddy water to get through that depressing part...and now I am to the point where I am aching to experience the excitement, taste it in a pure, untainted way. My interpretation of the future's uncertainty as dismal has blindsighted me to all the wonderful possibiities that the future holds. I know that there will be difficult times ahead, but I am willing to take it in stride. I'm proclaiming it here first: I am officially excited about the future and more specifically, moving to San Francisco!

And on that note, I will now take a cue from my melodramatic preteen years and leave you with the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway," which has been my anthem for the last two years and resonates once again:

Grew up in a small town
And when the snow would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreamin’ of what could be
And if I’d end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

I’ll spread my wings
And I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes
Till I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Out of the darkness
And into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Want to feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jet plane
Far away and break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep movin’ on movin’ on
Fly away break away

I’ll spread my wings
And I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy
To tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance make a change
And break away

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance make a change
And break away
Breakaway

P.S. I am officially seeking a roommate because I can't afford to live alone. If you or someone you know needs a roommate, is on a tight budget (no more than $800), and wants to live in SF proper (near the University of San Francisco or easily commutable to is preferred), please let me know!

P.P.S. More on the other blog writing chi blockers in a future entry...

happy (belated) valentine's day!

2006-02-15T10:36:00.000-05:00

While we're looking at two cute penguins, let me take the time to recommend seeing the documentary March of the Penguins. Fascinating. I literally squealed throughout half the movie. The other half, I was trying not to cry.

Enron: ask why

2006-01-31T14:32:00.000-05:00

With the recent jury selection proceedings for the trials against Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, Enron has re-emerged into the public consciousness. But how much do we really know what happened? Enron's provocative slogan leads us in this same direction to "Ask why."

The documentary Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room does an excellent job of picking apart the web of power, politics, and personalities which came together to create a corporate culture that was both integral to its rise and fall. Although you could say that Jeffrey Skilling was the architect and Ken Lay the captain of this doomed ship, the story of Enron results from a confluence of factors both deliberate and unintentional. I highly recommend this documentary as a riveting piece of investigative journalism but also a compelling retelling of the familiar myth of the hero who ascends to greatness and falls as a result of his own hubris.

Best of luck to Enron in the Oscars!

The Asepie-Year-in-Review

2006-01-05T00:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,

Salut! I hope that this post finds you well (which means thoroughly stuffed for me) after this holiday season. Given my strange aversion towards "catching up" conversations, I thought I'd use this venue to give you the higlights of 2005.

2005 was a very good year, full of new and exciting experiences. In the beginning of the year, I finally felt like I was getting the hang of graduate school and life in NYC. Classes were intellectually stimulating and personally challenging, a great combination! My Group Counseling class changed my life and the way that I look at interpersonal relations. I also started working as a Graduate Assistant at Columbia's Center for Career Education, where I work mostly with undergraduates and some Masters students. That's given me a taste of career counseling, and I've learned all sorts of useful career and job related information (though it all basically boils down to one word: Networking! j/k there's other stuff too).

Throughout the year, I also found great fulfillment in my work with my Research Team under Dr. Christine Yeh studying the cultural adjustment and mental health of Asian immigrants. Another exciting event, my resume turned into a C.V. this year! Two posters I helped out with were accepted at conferences this summer (Asian American Psychological Association and the American Psychological Association). Hopefully the journal manuscripts we submitted for that work will be accepted! I've felt eternally grateful for these experiences and working with Dr. Yeh...this just may be what I want to do with my life!

The other major experience this past year has been my fieldwork as a Counseling Intern at LaGuardia Community College. Since September, I have been doing academic, career, and personal counseling with the extremely diverse population at this school. I have also been fortunate to have the opportunity to teach a class called "New Student Seminar," which is aimed at helping students succeed in college and in life. My syllabus covered topics like college policies, time management, career exploration, study skills, diversity, and more. Teaching has been extremely challenging, and I have great respect and admiration for all teachers. However, I've found the environment invigorating and woud love to continue teaching as part of my career. Counseling has tested me in many ways - do I like counseling? what kind do I like? I'm still figuring out the answers to these questions, but one thing I know is that I thrive in a diversified work environment. I could NOT do therapy/counseling all day!

That's what has taken up most of my time this year....the spaces in between have been amazing as well, with time spent staying in touch with my family, fostering new friendships, making connections with old friends and acquaintances, bonding and having fun w/ Jon, and revelling in the greatness of my new home: NY. In 2006, I will strive to continue building on relationships, making new ones, and experiencing life with friends old and new! Thanks for indulging my narcissistic tendencies. I'd love for you to shoot me back with your own. Happy New Year!!!

The following section is a random assortment of experiences over the last year, inspired by one-too-many-hours spent watching VH1 countdowns. Enjoy!

*2005 at its Best and Worst*

Best Live Performance Experiences
1. Fiona Apple at the Nokia Theater
2. Karaoke Night w/ Career Education POD girls at AmCafe
3. Upright Citizen's Brigade at Central Park Summerstage
4. The Decemberists at Warsaw in Brooklyn
5. M.I.A. at Central Park Summerstage

Most Uncomfortable Live Performance Experience
1. Stand-up at Comic Strip Live. The awkward, shifty feeling I get watching stand-up is akin to what many others feel when watching acappella.
2. Me and Matt T. serenading "Total Eclipse of the Heart" to a taxi driver. Under the influence.

TV Shows I Couldn't Stop Watching
1. Everything on the Food Network
2. The OC
3. Laguna Beach
4. Arrested Development
5. Making the Band3
(hmm, three of these shows are set in Orange County...)

Hit-on-Repeat Music
1. "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
2. Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine
3. Kanye West's Late Registration
4. Common's Be
5. "Home" by Michael Bublé

Best Gastronomic Experiences
1. Next Door Nobu's $120 eight-course Omakase Tasting Menu, see pic of Black Cod w/ Miso (Thank you, Skadden Arps!)
2. The many cooking adventures of Jon and me this summer
3. Union Square Cafe
4. Seafood Soondubu at Seoul Garden in Koreatown
5. My summer of Tasti-D-Lite (fave flavors: anything w/ peanut butter)

Most Underwhelming Gastronomic Experience
Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill. Pay $30 for fish that is worth about $15.

Best Museum Experience
The MoMA's Cezanne & Pissarro exhibit

Could-Have-Skipped-Museum Experience
The Chanel Exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

Best Celebrity Sightings
1. Natalie Portman dining w/ Zac Posen and friend at the restaurant Barbuto
2. Keanu Reeves on the Upper West Side(86th/Broadway)
3 & 4. Food Network celebs - Dave Lieberman at Williams-Sonoma and Rachael Ray at a booksigning at the Union Square Barnes and Noble. As we were taking this picture (see left), I said to Rachael in my nerdy giddiness, "We're HUGE fans!" and she zinged back, "You look sure look small to me!" in true-Rachael-Ray form. She's actually quite nice and not as annoying as on TV...she even let in us late coming fans, signing our books past her allotted time, much to the chagrin of her PR people.

Worst Celebrity Sighting
There are none! Every sighting's a good story. Ahh, I must not be a true New Yorker yet.

best.concert.ever.

2005-12-18T03:12:00.000-05:00

There's so much that I've been wanting to post about recently and so little time (Finals Season for all you who have banished academic life from your working memory...and the holidays). The first order of blogging business is an effusive review of my Fiona Apple concert experience on Sunday, December 11th at the Nokia Theater. With a name like that, I didn't expect much from the venue, but it was actually quite fitting for this type of music (as opposed to a hard-rock concert) with decent acoustics and a well designed tiered (floor level, another floor one step up, and then stadium style seating towards the back), general admission layout.

Opening act: David Garza. Never heard of him before, but played a decent set on his acoustic guitar solely accompanied by this guy on a minikeyboard-blowing type of thing. I read one critic's disparaging remarks on Garza's scatting attempts. I'd have to agree w/ that one.

The main event! Fiona came out of the shadows and took a seat at the piano, dressed in a brownish/beige bohemian looking dress and looking slightly Mary-Kate Olsenish. She and her five-piece band (including Extraordinary Machine producer, Mike Elizondo, on bass) got the show off to an energetic start with "Get Him Back" from EM. The next song continued on to my favorite track on EM, "Better Version of Me." Then I nearly peed in my pants when Fiona slowed down into"Shadowboxer" from Tidal...the only thing that would have seriously put me over the edge would have been if she sang "Never is a Promise." But there are no complaints here about the setlist (see below), which was a delightful mix of all three albms: Tidal, When the Pawn, and EM. The entire night was a roller coaster ride of vicarious emotions, ranging from raging irascability ("Limp") to gut-wrenching resignment of heartbreak ("I Know") to uncharacteristically-Fionalike lightheartedness ("Tymps"). Fiona channelled her emotions better than on any record. The chills-inducing effect was not only from the performance but the audience....I was in absolute awe to the devotion of her fans. Men, women of all ages around me were singing every single word to every song. I felt like quite a flaky fan for not being to keep up (the downside of musical downloads = no liner notes!).

Adding to the undulating emotions was the constant fear that she was going to have another nervous breakdown and stop the concert (as she did on her last tour in 2000). Most of her minimal banter was about how nervous she was...and there were some times where she would walk away from the mic during a musical break and it looked like she was battling some inner-demon to get back to the spotlight. She even stared at it from far away during what felt like an unintentionally-extended musical break as if it (or she) was possessed. Lucky for us, Fiona got through the rest of the night and made a bunch of formerly angst-ridden (for the most part) teenagers sublimely happy.

Here's the setlist, which I got from FionaApple.org:
Get Him Back (Fiona at piano)
Better Version of Me (piano)
Shadowboxer (piano)
To Your Love (piano)
I Know (Fiona standing at microphone)
Sleep to Dream (standing)
Limp (standing)
Paper Bag (standing)
Tymps (standing)
Oh Well (piano)
On The Bound (piano)
Red, Red, Red (standing)
Not About Love (piano)
O'Sailor (piano)
Get Gone (piano)
Fast As You Can (standing)

Encores:
Extraordinary Machine (standing, with David Garza on acoustic guitar)
Criminal (standing)
Parting Gift (at piano, alone on stage)

visit omiru.com

2005-12-07T23:40:00.000-05:00

I felt the need to post something...which must mean I'm writing a paper. Anyway, I also wanted to spread the word on Omiru.com, one of the labors of love of my awesome friend Susannah (in addition to searching for Baked Flamin' Hot Cheetos in the Bay Area). Here's a description off the website:

Pronounced "oh-MEE-roo," our name is derived from the Japanese word meaning "to see" and that is just what we hope Omiru.com does for you. We want to serve as your guide through the world of fashion and style so that you can see everything there is out there and make it your own.

Omiru is a style and shopping website dedicated to the concept of real style for real people. Through Style Intelligence Report, a style weblog, Omiru covers fashion trends, runway reports, street style reports, and an assortment of articles aimed at making style accessible to all.

Whether you're a trendspotter or purveyor of practical fashion, the site is fun to check out for tips, commentary, and general style info.

perspective and thanksgiving

2005-11-29T01:06:00.000-05:00

My turkey masterpiece!
Probably should've taken the picture before carving...oops!

This past Thanksgiving week, I went back to good ol' Buffalo Grove - (child)hood home of Vince Vaughn and Buffalo Restaurant & Ice Cream (aka "Buffalo's"). Thanksgiving break usually isn't the most exciting, but it's generally characterized by a sense of ambivalence: initial eagerness to go home and spend quality time with family and friends in my hometown which steadily declines into intese dysphoria for Suburbia and an even more intense eye-twitch, thanks to family-induced stress.

However, this year's trip felt a little bit different. Maybe because I finally felt like I have roots somewhere outside the Chicagoland area. New York feels more like my home than an unwelcoming, alien land. I'm no longer a vagabond-like student temporarily living away from home, coming back for breaks to a place that serves as my homebase....My homebase now is the City and transient times now belong to Illinois. Have I finally adjusted to New York living? Is this the transition from adolescence to adulthood?

Whatever it was, I am thankful for the perspective it has given me. My exposure to different type of environments has helped me to appreciate the tranquility of the suburbs, the joys of driving alone in a car, and the behmoth of creativity that is Jo-Ann Superstores...while at the same time helping me to be grateful for New York's rich cultural diversity of people and experiences, the selection of goods at Fairway supermarkets, and so much more.

More importantly, I feel like my experiences moving into adulthood in Evanston and New York have englightened me about what's most important in my life: my family and other loved ones. I have enough distance to see that the reason why my parents are the way they are is because they love me so much. Being so far away has also helped me realize that I shouldn't take my loved ones for granted...And I am now able to better understand that this whole time, my family has meant more to me than I was ever willing to admit.

My newfound perspective is like when you have something so close to you that you fail to recognize that it's there...and once you step farther and farther away, it comes more clearly into view and only then can you see just how great it is. Yet, if you step too far away, the image diminishes, until it is just a memory and an aspect of the past taken for granted. I hope that I never step too far away from the people, places, and experiences which are most important to me...and that if I start to stray, that someone can help me back on the path and keep what I'm most thankful for in sight.

the "f" word revisited

2005-11-09T01:01:00.000-05:00

The New York Times Magazine featured an essay "What's a Modern Woman to Do?" from NYT columnist Maureen Dowd adapted from her forthcoming book, Are Men Necessary: When Sexes Collide. The essay takes us through the trajectory of feminist culture in the 60s and 70s to today's reactionary Cosmo-culture.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this essay and found the article provacative in raising some important questions regarding women's attutidues toward the sexual politics of the day. As is described in the Salon article about Dowd, her writing, and feminism at large, there has been strong reaction from women protesting Dowd's implication that feminism is dead. The Salon article was right to point out that Dowd touched upon a nerve because it has a certain truth to it. Today it sometimes appears that women are complicit in their objectification. Wielding one's sexual prowess is seen as an essential part of a woman's skill set, and having the brains to boot is a perk. Some would argue that feminism today is using our sexual faculties as empowerment. Others shun the concept of feminism either overtly or unintentionally (see my other post on the ambivalence over feminism). The cartoon at the top of this page illustrates this nicely.

Then there's the type of girl/woman who embraces the dumb-is-cuter mentality, for example by wearing the Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirts pictured here (see pics at right...the worst is not even pictured here, a shirt with the words "Freshman 15" and then the signatures of 15 males below it). Talk about a lack of integrity. I am currently fascinated with the aspiration of young women these days to be the Maxim Hometown Hottie.

And it seems that these messages are being socialized in children as well. Take the freakish looking Bratz dolls (see pic below) which are even more freakishly popular amongst young girls. Is it me or do these Bratz dolls get collagen injections??? Barbie doesn't seem so bad anymore. At least she was an astronaut and then had a disability at some point.

When I first started thinking about the state of feminism, I felt anger and resentment towards women and their complicity towards these new, but equally as detrimental gender roles and stereotypes. However, as much as women's personal choices and responsibility is a factor, we can't lose sight of the the bigger picture and the systemic forces at play. The central intelligence in the gender wars lies in our society's economics, and guess who calls the shots there...(surprise!) MEN. Perhaps there is a trickle-down effect of economic disparity (where women earn 76 cents to every dollar earned by men and women of color fare worse - with Black women and Hispanic women earning 65 cents and 54 cents, respectively to every dollar earned by white men) into cultural norms.

It seems that this issue is the old "chicken and the egg" conundrum. As in most debates, there seem to camps pitting economic vs. cultural explanations, but it's probably impossible to say which is the real root of the situation. Given that economic analysis is not my forte, I speak more from the psychological/sociological perspective. It seems to me that the idea of a strong, successful woman is threatening to most men. And for women, there is sometimes a fear that she will end up alone. But adding sex into the mix gives the impression that a woman's power is more palatable...though in reality it is still oppressive by virtue of the fact that a woman's power through sex is dependent upon man's deeming it worth something. There seems to be a lack of consensual respect for a woman's right to find her own sphere between conforming to a "man's world" (which is what some argue was the first wave feminists' goal and now outdated) and going the other direction into the world of domesticity and Playboy bunnies. Is this period of Desperate Housewives somewhere in between? Perhaps, but it seems that we still have a ways to go til we find our way home (with or without the help of men).

simple steps to undo

2005-11-02T13:41:00.000-05:00

Did you know that the average American uses enough energy to release about 50,000 pounds of carbon dioxide, the major contributor to global warming, per year? (source: www.undoit.org) Thanks to some of you who responded to my last post b/c that made me feel like I'm not alone in my concern for the environment.

In response to the question posed of what we can do to undo global warming, I'm posting some suggestions most relevant to urban living from the Environmental Defense website as well as my own thoughts:

From the Environmental Defense's list of 20 steps to undo global warming:

Step 1: Be informed about environmental issues.
Step 2: Run your dishwasher only with a full load. Use the energy setting to dry dishes. Don't use heat when drying.
Step 3: Wash clothes in warm or cold water, not hot.
Step 7: Buy energy efficient compact flourescent bulbs for your most-used lights.
Step 9: Install low-flow shower heads to use less hot water.
Step 12: Whenever possible, walk, bike, carpool, or use mass transit.
Step 13: When you buy a car, choose one that gets good gas mileage. (Hybrid!)
Step 14: Reduce waste: buy minimally packaged goods; choose reusable products over disposable ones; recycle.
Step 20: Recycle your potentially recyclable material (paper, plastic, metal, and glass).

My $0.02 worth of practical advice....I'd love to hear your own tips for being environmentally responsible!

For 2-3 days, monitor everything that you use and throw away. Self-awareness is key to recognizing how your actions can impact the environment.
Bring your own bags to the grocery store. This is my latest obsession. I know many of you have that giant plastic bag stuffed with smaller plastic bags...can you really line enough trash cans to match the pace which you accumulate them? Reuse plastic bags you have, or better yet, use cloth or some other reusable bag. (Caption for the picture: many animals mistake plastic bags for food and die from choking or blocked intestines. The U.S. produces about 1 billion plastic bags every year. An estimated 12 million barrels of oil is required to make that many plastic bags. Source: www.reusablebags.com)
Turn down the heat of the shower. If you're addicted to hot showers, turn it down just a pinch every other day or so til it's a comfortable cool temperature.
Turn off the water when you're shaving in the shower.
Advocate for environmentally friendly, sustainable practices in your workplace. This doesn't mean you have to become the "enviro-freak" of the office. Little changes can make a huge difference, especially given the volumes of energy and paper used and waste generated by workpalces. Is there a recycling bin for paper near the copy machine? What is the practice of double-sided printing? Does your employer partner with other services and organizations that are environmentally responsible?
Lobby for environmentally sound practices in your area. In New York City, the air quality is horrendous in neighborhoods often occupied by the poor and people of color. The result is disproporationate rates of asthma and other respiratory problems in these areas. This is due to practices such as the routes garbage trucks take on their way to landfills. Sign petitions, write to alderpersons/congress represatatives, do what you can to be informed and active!
Encourage your friends to be environmentally responsible! Peer pressure can be a source for good!

don't they know, it's the end of the world?

2005-10-21T00:08:00.000-04:00

this is what global warming looks like.

Is anyone else wondering about the apocalyptic feats of nature over the last year? The staggering number of people who have died and been affected must surely make people wonder whether they are truly "acts of God."

Perhaps the lack of coverage and dialogue in the popular press regarding the environment perpetuates this mystification. Are people really informed as to the connection between global warming and these natural disasters?? I know that I know less than I should. The Bush administration has simply paid lip service to the crisis that we're in, and the American people are feebly asked to try to reduce consumption. That's BS to try to portray the dire situation our environment is in as solely the responsibility of consumers. Although every little bit counts, and American consumers certainly have a human, civic responsibility to the Earth and its inhabitants, perhaps our leaders should take a look at how sustainable development can be impelemented on a more systemic, institutional level. Getting the corporate behemoth to take accountability for their contributions to the environment would be a more productive step in putting off the day of Armageddon.

I also wonder what the role of privilege plays in our environmental predicament...the human race seems to have the ultimate privilege of going about our daily lives without concern for how our actions affect the environment. However, like other situations of exploitation, all people will suffer in the end.

bags, bags, bags!

2005-10-15T03:09:00.000-04:00

My friend Susannah (check out a blog she contributes to StyleIntelligence) recently sent me this article in the New York Times about the craze for "Over the Shoulder, Over the Top" handbags and purses. (You may know that I have a bit of a handbag fetish myself, but it's more of the voyeuristic thing) The most interesting part of the article (besides the sticker shock-like feeling) was how it pointed to some market research that shows women under 40 who earn $50-70K are the most likely to drop the big bucks on luxury bags.(e.g., $975 for a Marc Jacobs Sofia bag; $1500 for a Prada bowler bag). A funny quote:

"Those women are the most likely to be extravagant," said Ms. Danziger, the author of "Why People Buy Things They Don't Need" (Dearborn Trade, 2004). The tend to sacrifice vacations, restaurant dinners and other designer fashion in favor of a luxury bag. "They are the consumers who have something to prove," she said.

Luckily, I am way too poor...I mean pragmatic...to buy into (ha!) this source of self-esteem. Based on my casual observation and personal experience, I would have to agree that some people feel like they have to get the latest designer duds just to prove something (they may say it's just for themselves, to feel good, but you have to wonder...) And the Marketing Machine seems to prey upon these insecurities, enticing the middle-class folk in buying that designer brand/luxury option so they can impress their friends and neighbors and feel good because they can buy it.

There are some days when I just feel so sick at all the excess there is all around us. From SUVs to the overwhelming number of "choices"of everything at the supermarket (premium brands are often just the regular brand jazzed up w/ a new label and perhaps a fragrance)....But then I think about my own habits of excess and desire for the unnecessary, and I feel so pathetic and helpless because at the end of the day I really do want that Marc Jacobs bag! I guess I'm just human.

Obama in the comfort of your home

2005-10-06T13:48:00.000-04:00

Check out the podcast for Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois) on his website...every week he shares his thoughts on current issues. A particularly good one was his podcast on poverty in America.

You can also check out his blog on the website. This is a particularly great entry he wrote regarding "Tone, Truth, and the Democratic Party." Here's my favorite part:

The bottom line is that our job is harder than the conservatives' job. After all, it's easy to articulate a belligerent foreign policy based solely on unilateral military action, a policy that sounds tough and acts dumb; it's harder to craft a foreign policy that's tough and smart. It's easy to dismantle government safety nets; it's harder to transform those safety nets so that they work for people and can be paid for. It's easy to embrace a theological absolutism; it's harder to find the right balance between the legitimate role of faith in our lives and the demands of our civic religion. But that's our job. And I firmly believe that whenever we exaggerate or demonize, or oversimplify or overstate our case, we lose. Whenever we dumb down the political debate, we lose. A polarized electorate that is turned off of politics, and easily dismisses both parties because of the nasty, dishonest tone of the debate, works perfectly well for those who seek to chip away at the very idea of government because, in the end, a cynical electorate is a selfish electorate.

In such a polemical time in our country, we need a leader who can see past the content differences and focus on the process going on behind these inimical relations (Counseling Nerd alert!). Anyway, I can't wait to see what the future holds for Sen. Obama.

on poverty and privilege

2005-09-26T23:13:00.000-04:00

I came across a really poignant blog column from The Chicago Tribune's Eric Zorn, which was actually in response to another blogger's reflections on the everyday experiences of "being poor." The original work by John Scalzi was prompted by the distrubing images of poverty and helplessness exposed by Hurricane Katrina. In reading these two reflections, the essay by Peggy McIntosh, "Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" came to mind instantly. McIntosh goes into the daily privileges (better put as "comforts" or as she later defines, "conferred dominance") afforded to her status as a White American. Privilege attributed to race is the key difference between Zorn/Scalzi and McIntosh's reflections. Some would argue that poverty is colorblind, but it seems naive to discount the disparities found between races. If you read the comments posted on Zorn and Scalzi's blogs, you'll notice that there is scant dialogue around the link beween race and privilege.

What compelled me the most to write my own commentary on the topic is my disbelief of the comments left on both of these blogs. There were a considerabe number of people who felt that Zorn's commentary on privilege was essentially a big "shame on you" to those who had "worked hard and earned their place in life" unlike the poor people who are simply too lazy to get a job and get off of welfare. The bitterness and contempt of these people permeated through the screen and made me feel sick. Perhaps part of my own privilege is being surrounded by progressive, liberal minded (gasp! people who are for change?) people who recognize that there are systemic, institutional forces that work against people of color and "the poor."

Once I got over my intial disgust, I began to wonder what lies beneath all the ill feelings. I had a moment where my textbook knowledge came together with real life. Anyone who isn't in power and the majority (i.e., white, male, straight, middle to upper class) has the cards stacked up against them in almost every aspect of life. To accept this fact means that all those who do belong to the majority group are forced to accept that perhaps their own achievements were not solely the fruits of their hard work. It means abandoning the idea of the American Dream. It isn't jaded to realize that hard work doesn't always equal success; it's being realistic. Also, very few people are willing to admit and accept that their gain is someone else's loss....moreover, we are not educated in American schools to learn that the American Dream is like a Disney version of a Grimm Brothers fairy tale, the prosperity of America is only made possible by the blood of those deemed dispensible (e.g. , slaves in colonial times, undocumented residents today). If the average American family were to come to terms with the cost at which their comforts comes (i.e., the suffering of the powerless, not to mention the Environment!), that would certainly turn one's world upside down. So we privileged folk (myself included) do everything we can to avoid that awful discomfort. Hell, I'll even confess that I avoided watching much of the news coverage on Katrina because it felt so helpless and just plain uncomfortable.

When people like me get on their soapboxes, a common response seems to be, "Why are you trying to make me feel guilty?" The point is not to induce guilt, but to come to terms with the reality of the world that we live in. The point is to help those who have the ultimate privilege of being able to turn a blind eye to open their eyes to the plight of their fellow man. Obviously, we can't solve poverty, homelessness, unemployment, racism, etc in society (though I think these are mostly symptoms of problems) by simply acknowledging injustice, but compassion is the only way to start.

goodbye, Odyssey

2005-09-17T15:04:00.000-04:00

Odyssey, my favorite station on Chicago Public Radio, was just axed due to funding decisions. I'm really pissed and upset. The decision sounds pretty final, but perhaps an outpouring of letters from listeners who appreciate good public programming will help? Please check out some of the shows for yourself (the show is great b/c of the wide range of ideas and topics discussed) and appeal to the powers that be by sending an email. Here's the message on the Odyssey webpage:

Dear Odyssey Listeners,

As you may have heard, the Chicago Public Radio Board of Directors has decided to cease funding for Odyssey. The program will end production on September 30, 2005.

Since its debut on January 5th, 1998, Odyssey has made many friends—too many to thank here. Most important to us, though, are our friends in the audience. You, the listeners, have been invaluable to the program. Your support and input (you've never been shy about letting us know what you think) have kept us on our toes and encouraged us to do our best. You prove that public radio is made great not by financial contributions, but by active engagement with the programming you hear. We want to thank you, and to say that it has been a pleasure making radio for you.

Without sounding too much like a lounge act, we want to remind you that we will be here through September, 2005. So stick around and keep listening. It's gonna be fun.

Thanks, and remember to tip your server.

Gretchen Helfrich

notes from an existential neophyte

2005-09-07T02:13:00.000-04:00

Several weeks ago, I came upon Albert Camus' novel The Stranger by happenstance at the local public library on the way to the subway. Never before have I been so profoundly affected by a book. My philosophical orientations on theology and God, relationships, and mere existence were all shaken up and turned upside down by this book. I also read the SparkNotes online to make sure I was getting the most out of the text. (oh SparkNotes,thank you for getting me through VanWitzenburg's AP English class and to nail the test!). But only read the SparkNotes after you have read the actual novel AND thought about it yourself. It won't be the same experience otherwise. It's a very short read (less than 150 pgs), and Camus's writing style is simple yet deliberate.

Anyway, the novel is an allegory of the principles of Camus' version of existential philosophy. I won't give the whole plot away, but basically the narrator and protagonist is a man named Meursault who lives in Algiers. He is a man who goes about life in reaction to physical stimuli. He is atheistic and amoral. For this latter characteristic, the reader struggles with a sense of ambivalence towards Meursault. No, he doesn't have dogmatic principles of right and wrong, but he is generally a good guy with no malintent. Due to random unfortunate circumstances (being at the wrong place, at the wrong time) and his catlike reflexes to physical stimuli, Meursault kills a man. The second half of the book goes into the legal proceedings of the crime (really is it a crime? the reader ponders) and Meursault's reaction to the outcome.

Camus did not claim that The Stranger was an existentialist work per se, rather he considered it to illustrate the absurdity of existence. The trial of Meursault is a perfect illustration of the way in which society's norms and assumptions create a really screwed up interpretation of reality. Sometimes life just happens, and in the process shit happens too. Theories to explain why things happen, like the popular, but often useless pejorative "Everything happens for a reason," are merely confabulations of Reality (with a big R there).

Another theme within the novel that resonanted with me was the concept of life and existence. Again, so much of life is determined by chance, and our lives could logically be reduced to a series of random scenes leading up to an inevitable death. However, Camus and existential thought does not advocate nihilism. Instead, only thorough coming to terms with the fact that human life is essentially meaningless can one attain true happiness. Life is a struggle in which the individual attempts to find authenticity in the world, yet there is no such thing as individual authenticity due to the shackles of societal mores.

Now, when I think about existentialism, Jean-Paul Sartre comes to mind first. So I decided to take a gander at what he's got to say by visiting Sartre Online ("The Ultimate Sartrean Resource"). According to the website, Sartre's philosophy is highly similar to the absurdist basis of Camus, however Sartre's conception of authetnicity is seen as highly individualistic and antisocial. Although I am new to this area and have not read any of Sartre or Camus' other works, it seems that the philosophy of the absurd and existentialism lend themselves well to collectivistic ideas and the search of meaningful connection between people. Authentic connection can only be made once we acknowledge the limitations of our existence (e.g. your mother, father, children, and true love/s will die/disappear/leave someday), and true happiness can be attained if we get rid of the ridiculous expectations of society. Thinking about the Stranger and Sartrean philosophy got me to reconsider the way I look at my own relationships and the way I live my life. I am constantly motivated by the prospect of tomorrow and the desire for the normative experience. Yet, worrying about where my love life will be 5 years from now and whether I will get a "good" Valentine's Day gift does absolutely nothing to help my relationship today. In fact, it only places undue stress on my life and that of my partner.

In a somewhat related vein, I think that existential philosophy would advocate for a multicultural society in which the individual is no longer motivated by the fear of the Other (i.e. the culturally different). The article on Sartre Online titled "Sartrean Collective Authenticity: A Final Word" puts it well:

In the society envisioned by Sartre, the Other is no longer a threat to my existence. Early Sartre argues that the freedom of the other jeopardizes my freedom. The look of the Other objectifies me and by taking away my subjectivity, I lose the ultimate individuality I have and thereupon lose my self. Late Sartre submits that in a society characterized by scarcity, the other imperils my existence since we are both fighting for the same necessities. However, such will not be the case in Sartre's envisioned utopian society which is characterized by sufficiency. As Golomb puts it:

Mutual generosity, respect and genuine feelings cement such relations. I choose to help the other become authentic by not trying to dominate her and by regarding her as an autonomous person who can act simultaneously as object and subject in relation to myself. The other's otherness is accommodated but not assimilated in my self and my life.
Sartre considers that one's relationship with the Other can only come about through human praxis. Not abandoning his belief in the capacity of the individual to induce change, late Sartre asserts the need for human agency in historically conditioned production.

Now, I don't completely understand that last paragraph (even after looking up "praxis" in the dictionary), but this passage sure got me thinking that Sartre should be incorporated in the curriculum at Teachers College! I also freely admit that I am by no means an expert in existentialism, yet I am hesitant to call myself a dilettante given the impact that this has all had on how I think about life. I just really hope that I didn't publicly butcher Camus and Sartre. If you have more to share with me about Camus or Sartre, existential philosophy, or just life in general I would love to hear it! Please leave me comments! And thank you so much for reading this far!

APA Convention

2005-08-23T16:38:00.000-04:00

Last week, I attended my first American Psychological Association (APA) Convention in Washington, D.C., as well as the Asian American Psychological Convention (AAPA). My first APA experience was pretty great and even cooler because two projects I worked on were poster presentations there (one was on a career exploration group for Chinese immigrant high schoolers and the other was about the cultural adjustment of Chinese immigrant youth). By the way, no I did not go sight-seeing because I was a major psychology nerd and spent everyday at the Convention Center takin in the research, searching for free food, or schmoozing at the social hours.

Going to APA helped me to be more certain that I want to get a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology and become a reseacher/professor/clinician (or various permutations which are sure to change throughout my career). Being surrounded with so much exciting, socially relevant research and meeting so many brilliant, passionate psychologists made me realize that I love this field, and I feel like I really fit into this intellectual community. My mentor also inspired me to look past the wall of anxiety and fear between me and my dreams. Up until recently, I've always been so afraid to aim high in my goals, for fear of failure. But Jon and others around me have been so supportive and believed that I can achieve whatever I set out to do...I'm finally starting to gain the confidence to take some risks, and I hope that they pay off one day.

Okay, enough sappiness! Here are some pictures from AAPA & APA (more may be posted later!):

Sarah, Angela, & me with our AAPA poster

My pretty AAPA poster "Culturally-relevant Services and Policy for
Chinese Immigrants' Cultural Adjustment" (what a mouthful!)

fiona apple update

2005-08-15T11:49:00.000-04:00

Looks like Fiona went back into the studio and rerecorded all tracks (plus a new one) from her unreleased-but-leaked album Extraordinary Machine. The new album is set to be released October 4. I thoroughly enjoyed the first version, so I really hope that the new one is at the very least just as good.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/15/arts/music/15appl.html

celeb sighting!

2005-08-02T10:25:00.000-04:00

Best celeb sighting in NYC thus far...Natalie Portman and two strapping young lads (friends?) came in to eat at the restaurant I was at last night! Barbuto, a former garage converted into a chic open-air Italian restaurant in the northernmost part of the West Village, was definitely the perfect place to spent a warm summer night with some friends. Good choice Natalie!

Sorry, Natalie's not in this pic

We were sitting just a table's length away, but unfortunately my chair had its back to them. Jon's cousin sitting across from me noted that Natalie was very animated, and she and her friends were very much people-watchers. Good thing I decided to take a shower that day!

Amazingly, no one approached her for an autograph or anything. It was obvious that she just wanted to have dinner with friends like the rest of us civilians. Natalie's attempt at normalcy didn't last long though as some obnoxious person took a picture of her as she was walking past on the way out of the restaurant. And some random nobody is making a big hoot about her eating dinner on a blog...

payola op-ed

2005-08-02T10:15:00.000-04:00

An op-ed article from the drummer from Semisonic (every new beginning starts from some other beginning's end...) giving an interesting account of how payola screws over artists:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/29/opinion/29slichter.html

The short of it: artists have to recoup the money spent on payola through album sales. Maybe that's why MC Hammer and Toni Braxton went bankrupt?

payola is the answer

2005-07-26T13:37:00.000-04:00

...to the burning question of "Why is there so much crappy music on the radio???" which I lamented about in a previous post ("Radio killed the pop star").

Sony BMG just admitted to the illegal practice of "payola," which consists of paying off radio stations for airplay (some articles: New York Times, Pitchfork, and Los Angeles Times). Radio stations and their DJs got cash, vacations, Sony electronics and other valuable items for spinning the records of Sony artists such as Good Charlotte, Jessica Simpson, J-Lo, and probably many other craptastic acts (though I do admit to liking Franz Ferdinand, John Mayer, and a J-Lo song here and there). Surprisingly, I wasn't surprised at all to hear about this...it seemed like a "duh" to me, but I was pretty shocked to read just how shameless and extensive the practice is (a funny example from the NYTimes article:

a Sony BMG executive considered a plan to promote the song "A.D.I.D.A.S." by
Killer Mike by sending radio disc jockeys one Adidas sneaker, with the promise
of the second one when they had played the song 10 times.

I was also surprised to hear how much Sony was fined. The terms of the settlement call for $10 million, which will go towards non-profit charities and music education programs. I guess it makes sense given how much the payoffs add up to and how harmful payola can be for some recording artists. New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, the apparent champion for the people against corporate conglomerate crime, is quoted as saying, "This is not a pretty picture; what we see is that payola is pervasive...It is omnipresent. It is driving the industry and it is wrong." He's also looking into payola with other radio stations and major labels such as Vivendi Universal, the Warner Music Group , Clear Channel, and the EMI Group. Yeah, good luck w/ that Eliot.

At least it's comforting to know that maybe the general public really doesn't have musical taste so poor that a radio station would play Good Charlotte every 40 minutes or so. But I think I'll stick to listening to NPR and Launch.com's radio rather than take my chances with the corporate airwaves.

the ambivalence over feminism

2005-07-05T23:46:00.000-04:00

This is a great article from Salon.com about the current PR-crisis of feminism.

Many women are all for equal rights and access for women, yet they hesitate to be labelled a "feminist." The stereotypical image of the feminist as the picket-sign toting, pixie-coiffed female seems to evoke negative reactions for those averse to the "F" word. For one thing, let's be clear that this is the stereotype, which by definition completely ignores the diversity of the community that's for gender equality. Men can be feminists. So can women who like to wash their hair or wear makeup. According to dictionary.com, a "feminist" is "A person whose beliefs and behavior are based on feminism." "Feminism" is defined as:

1. Belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.
2. The movement organized around this belief.

Nothing in this definition precludes any one type of person from ascribing to feminist ideals.

My friend said something very illustrative of the ambivalence around feminism the other day as we were discussing diversity and multicultural inequity. She said something to the effect of, "See, I'm all for women's rights and equality, but I think of women with picket signs and protesting when I think of feminists. And to be honest, I want to be taken care of and pampered." I'm sure that many other women feel the same kind of ambivalence. I know I do at times...I want women to have equal wages, yet I still secretly want my boyfriend to offer to pay for dinner, bring me flowers, and do stupid stuff like make me a build-a-bear. This illustrates how EVIL cultural conditioning is! Society sends us these messages that a "real man" takes care of his woman and that a "good boyfriend/husband" showers his partner with affection, thoughtful gifts, and other things that cost money.

If we take a more critical look at these expectations for men and women, we would see that these attitudes holding women up on this pedestal actually are the same ones that keep us down. This is a concept in the gender psychology literature referred to as benevolent sexism, which is defined as "a subjectively favorable, chivalrous ideology that offers protection and affection to women who embrace conventional roles" (Glick & Fiske, 2001, p 109). It seems that many women who are afraid to embrace feminism are unwilling to give up the fallacious "privileges" of ladyhood. Yet these ideals are the ones that are the basis for claims that women should be protected from difficult tasks, that they are too fragile to do equal work...well, then you certainly shouldn't pay a women equally for their work! And let's not forget that these ideas have seriously homophobic undertones.

My thoughts are sorta all over the place right now, so I highly suggest you check out the Salon article cited above and also the work of Peter Glick & Susan T. Fiske. Here's the citation from the article quoted above, which provides a good review of the theory and research on both hostile sexism (the kind of overt misygyny usually thought of) and benevolent sexism:

Glick, P., & Fiske, S. T. (2001). An ambivalent alliance: Hostile and benevolent sexism as complementary justifications of gender inequality. American Psychologist, 56(2), 109-118.

Dave Lieberman!

2005-06-27T15:37:00.000-04:00

This weekend, Lori, Becky, and I went to see Dave Lieberman (a chef w/ a show, Good Deal w/ Dave Lieberman, on the Food Network) do a demo at the Williams-Sonoma in the Time Warner Building. He made Leek & Roasted Red Pepper Soup and Blueberry Crumble...it was pretty good! Then we met him when he signed our copies of his cookbook, Young & Hungry. Totally legit, no stalking necessary! hahaha.

As yummy as Tasti-D-Lite

Tempo's 50 best mags & my $0.02

2005-06-23T14:45:00.000-04:00

Another reason why I miss Chicago (or wannabe-Chicago-because-I-really-live-in-the-suburbs) living...The Chicago Tribune's Tempo section! For the third year, the Tempo writers have come up with a list of what they consider the 50 best magazines (note it's a pdf). The selections reflect a wide variety of genres from the grandfather of all celebrity mags People (#7) to the niche-market publication Birds & Blooms (#37) to the no-frills classic National Geographic (#15). Here some selections they chose which I enjoy:

#3 Vanity Fair - a good read while waiting at the doc's.
#6 New York - LOVE this one, though I've never picked up the hardcopy. Their website (www.nymetro.com) is excellent and practically the entire mag.
#33 Chronicle of Higher Education - great resource for keeping abreast of hot topics and trends in higher ed
#34 UsWeekly - Ok, so it the prime example of this society's obsession with celebrities, but it can be pretty funny too. And at least it's not InTouch.

Some magazines that I enjoy reading but not deemed worthy of the list:

Self - I think that this women's magazine does a pretty good job of promoting healthy living and self-image, although it is still a CondeNast publication and therefore reeks of mass-consumerism. I personally think the advertisements contribute most to Self's mixed messages.
Jane - this irreverent, semi-feminist mag appeals to my non-conformist, tongue-in-cheek side.
Budget Living - if you know me, you understand why I like this one. However, I do find that some of their "budget" item suggestions a little much (e.g. a $25 glass-cutting board?) and that it has a more sub-than-urban feel to it.
Glamour - One of my guilty pleasures. More pop-culture-friendly than Self, less blatantly salacious than Cosmopolitan.
Martha Stewart Living - another guilty pleasure. Great recipes, quick crafts, and information on random "good things" (like how to pick out good produce). This is obviously a product of my brainwashing as a child to want to be a domestic goddess. Oh wait, that's just b/c I have Asian parents! j/k!

Save NPR & PBS!

2005-06-20T14:46:00.000-04:00

Given my indebtedness to public programming for my educational foundation and ongoing intellectual development, I feel it is my duty to chip in the effort to save NPR and PBS. Without Sesame Street, I may never have figured out which one of these things is not like the other! The short of it is that the House voted to drastically cut federal funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which "is the US-tax payer funded agency that passes funds to public broadcasting stations in this country," such as National Public Radio and PBS (article from democracynow.org that's cited is here). Here an article in the New York Times about the issue:
Steep Cut Proposed for Public Broadcasting

And since I love cross-referencing so much, here's my friend Elaine's more articulate blog-post about the matter http://elaine5.blogspot.com/2005/06/save-big-bird.html

Now, you may remember an email petition going around a while ago that claimed the same thing when funding was threatened around 1995. Public outcry saved the cause then, but the emails kept going, relegating it to urban legend/hoax status. But now it's true again! Here's another NYTimes article talking about this ironic turn of events: A Web Hoax, Transformed

Public television and radio is one of the last pure forms of education in the media. Please sign the petition to show your support. Here's the link to the petition on MoveOn.org's website:
http://www.moveon.org/publicbroadcasting/index.html

Big Bird, Terry Gross, and company thank you!

Tasti-D-Love

2005-06-10T11:00:00.000-04:00

Before I moved to New York, a good friend told me about how she had become obsessed with a kind of ice cream called "Tasti-D-Lite." I kind of laughed at her and said, "Okay...." not understanding how someone could become so fanatic about a frozen dessert. How can someone eat a form of ice cream nearly everyday??? "But it's like no-fat and has practically no calories!" my friend gushed. You may have seen that episode from Seinfeld about the frozen yogurt that everyone goes crazy about b/c it's supposedly no-fat...then a sample of it gets dumped into Giuliani's blood work and it turns out to be ridiculous for your cholesterol. Well, that episode was really about Tasti-D-Lite (affectionately called "Tasti" or TastiD"), and it turns out that New Yorkers are really that insane over the 40 cal, 99% fat free frozen delight. Oh, and really is cholesterol-free.

Heaven

Given that not a single day goes by that I don't think about having that cold, creamy goodness, I may officially be a New Yorker! My friends from grad school are equally as enamored w/ TastiD, and we seek the nearest location every time we go out. There's so much excitement in discovering a new location or tasting a new flavor! In my enrapturement, I decided to document this love affair in pictures and blogspace. Here are some pictures to attest to this addiction:

cup, cone, or shake???

Tasti-D-Lovers

It doesn't get more NY than this. Sexy.
(btw I'm trying to drink a shake and eat with a spoon at the same time)

restroom etiquette

2005-06-01T00:12:00.000-04:00

Let's say you run into an acquaintance on the way to or in the restroom (or as i like to say "washroom") at work or school...you start chatting and then both head into your respective stalls...does the conversation just come to an end? do you finish that last thought as you tinkle? what if you finish first, do you say "bye, see ya later!" as your potty-partner is finishing their business? these are my deep thoughts for the day.

gotta love how restrooms are the stage for so many potentially awkward situations!

resolutions and Reality

2005-05-17T02:46:00.000-04:00

Ahh, summer break. Well it's not really a break since I'm taking summer school. But anyway, summer break. Another time of the year when we feel the need to renew our vows to a better self. Since I have a tendency to set expectations too high for myself to reach, such as "I'll go to the gym X times a week," I was thinking that what the hell, why not set the bar a little lower and just try read at least 3 non-academic books this summer.

Some ideas: finish the Corrections (been "reading" on and off since December), Bowling Alone, Fast Food Nation (to try and scare myself away from crappy food forever), Blink....any other suggestions?

I've also been thinking a lot lately about how I spend nearly every freakin' minute of my life trying to do something to improve myself. Sitting around? I should at least educate myself and listen to NPR. Dinner? Well, I better stock up on fiber so I don't get colon cancer. It's not that fun and pretty self-absorbed. It makes me feel like I'm missing out on so much that could be fun...like what's wrong w/ taking a couple of hours to go shopping just b/c I feel like it.

In one of my classes this semester Human Development Across the Lifespan, we read (well...I sorta read the first couple of chapters anyway) this really fascinating book called Spectrum of Consciousness by Ken Wilber. The premise is based on quantum physics and the idea that we are one with everything in the world....like in physics, you, your chair, and the Eiffel tower can all be broken down into energy. It's really freakin' complicated but basically he says that there are these different levels of consciousness: the Shadow Level, the Ego Level, the Existential Level, and the Level of Mind. The Level of Mind is the only mode of being in which we are truly connected with Reality (big R there)....we are directly experiencing life by being one with what is going on in the hereandnow. We're not fettered by the expectations and burdens of the External world. Most people are stuck at the Shadow and Ego levels, dealing with their inner demons or their impulses. The whole model is meant to show how various spiritual traditions converge into this journey to get in touch with a higher being, a higher state of consciousness...in Wilber's opinion that is the Level of Mind. Yeah, it's a damn complicated concept, and I probably didn't explain it in a way that elucidates it for you but I suggest checking it out....

This little rant is connected to my former rambling b/c I feel like I'm not really living in the moment. I'm always doing things with the anticipation that it will serve me better in the future. Maybe if I just chill out and live for today, I'd be a much happier person. So perhaps I will try to do this by reading something that has no intellectual value but is the kind of book that makes me want to stay up all night reading it. Something with a pink paperback cover...

officially MIA

2005-05-02T00:11:00.000-04:00

well at least after I finish this temporary sign-off. This is the ultimate test of my will this week. Two final papers, a take home final, a final exam, a first draft of my writing project, and some other random crap like working for money and doing research team stuff drizzled in....The hell temporarly ends May 11th. Til then, I have sworn off social gatherings, AIM, blogging, commenting on Elaine's blog, internet stalking, and all the other random shit I do that wastes so much time. Please send me some happy vibes/prayers/baked goods to help me in this difficult time :)

On a happier note, here are some more positive things in my life over the last couple of weeks...a poster presentation I am third author on (titled "Asian Americans: Advocacy, Culturally Competent Services, and Public Policy") was accepted for the Asian American Psychological Association Convention, which is in August a day before the big APA convention. Also, a workshop I planned titled "Being Asian in America" was accepted to be a part of the Educators of Asian American Youth Conference in late June. My resume just turned into a CV...exciting!

2005-04-29T22:56:00.000-04:00

Meet my current BFF, the Samsung ML-1740 laser printer. I've never been more in love with a piece of office equipment, except maybe the Panasonic electric pencil sharpener. Anyway, this godsent printer is amazing for anyone who writes a lot of papers and prints out journal articles. It's super fast and has that lovely, clean print quality that only a laser printer can deliver. For a laser printer, it's a nice, small size that easily fits on my desk esp b/c I have a laptop. On top of that, it was a steal on buy.com w/ a rebate (only through April 30th!) coming out to only $73. Cons: large print jobs fly out of the paper tray, and you have to feed paper one by one for double-sided printing (my fave way to be eco-friendly). Also, it only prints in black and white, but I never print out in color anymore anyway. Another minor con is that the toner refills cost $70 but that lasts for 3000 pages or more. Those freakin HP cartridges used to cost $30 a pop and had to be replaced like every 3 months. Screw that. I'll never go inkjet again.

a grad student's best friend

so much for credibility in academia

2005-04-15T00:43:00.000-04:00

This is hilarious....if only the American Psychological Association were so shady, I'd have a bright future!

Prank paper fools scientists

p.s. i have to apologize that the frequency of my posting seems to be negatively correlated w/ the amount of intellectual content (significant at the .05 alpha level...haha yes i'm a psych nerd). oh well!

Counting down...

2005-04-13T23:14:00.000-04:00

...yet avoiding counting down b/c then I am forced to face up to how much I have to do! I'm going to take liberties w/ you, my captive audience, to draw some sympathy here. Here's what I have to do before May 15th:

1 presentation
3 reaction papers
2 final 10-page papers
1 potential re-write of a paper (b/c I really screwed it up)
1 take home final
a final exam
a 15+ page writing project w/the professor of my research team
find some place to hire me for my fieldwork internship next fall

What's funny is that even though I feel like this is a crapload of work, doing it is nowhere near the agony that being in engineering or premed was. Wow, I can't believe that optimism. Anyway, if I make it out of this period alive, hit me up for some partying! Til then, wish me luck!

Me? Serious?

2005-04-10T23:12:00.000-04:00

So I've been pondering recently about the seemingly ubiquitious conversational use of the phrase, "Are you serious?" Other variants include, "Seriously?" "No way!" or giving credence to a comment by adding the word "seriously" ("The new Fiona Apple album is seriously great"). I don't know about you, but I say these things a lot. Once I became self-aware, I noticed that lots of people around me do too!

Is this phrase of skepticism a byproduct of the rampant dishonesty and lack of integrity in our society? It seems that we do live in an age where you really can't believe everything you read/hear/see (ESPECIALLY on the internet). We're fed spin, half-truths, and all out lies everywhere we turn (ahem, leaders of our nation).

Perhaps my aforementioned socio-linguistic observation tells of our society's loss of faith in the fellow human's word. Hmm...

Free Fiona!

2005-04-03T03:23:00.000-04:00

Fiona Apple gave a voice to my angst-ridden teenage soul. I never hesitate to say that Tidal is the album which I would take with me on a desert island (seems like an odd choice, but if the days got really depressing, it might move me to end the misery...j/k I really just could listen to it over and over again more than any other album). So when I found out from my musically-enlightened friend and supplier of MP3s, Alex, that Fiona's unreleased third album was around on the internet, I was super excited. I got my hands on it, and it's excellent! Love the songs "Better Version of Me" and "Not About Love ." The only thing that would make the album better is if I had some liner notes...

Extraordinary Machine was completed in May 2003, but Sony decided that it wouldn't be commercially successful (e.g. no "Criminal"-esque singles on it) so they shelved it in an attempt to cut their losses. HELLO, Fiona Apple's first two albums went platinum. Just because her second one's title was like 100 words long doesn't = she's a commercial flop. There are legions of angst-ridden 20-30somethings just waaaiting for more "break up mix tape" material (oh wait, no one makes mix tapes anymore...). And non-depressive types liked Fiona too. Everytime I read about her in a magazine, the writer says something like, "When IS Fiona Apple going to release something?" Some of the tracks from the album have been leaked on to radio (Seattle, I believe), and it's obviously out on the internet...so hopefully Sony execs will be persuaded to release it. The thought did occur to me that maybe they delayed releasing and purposefully leaked songs to build up more hype and pseudo-controversy...who knows in that dirty industry.

The hard-core fans have been up on this whole tragedy for a while and have a bunch of websites about it:

http://fionaapple.org/
http://www.freefiona.com/
http://www.petitiononline.com/Fiona9/petition.html (Sign a petition to release the CD)

p.s. I have been told that I don't update enough...I'll take that as a compliment! Kinda like those people wishing that Fiona would record more music (though that's not really her choice) . Anyway, thanks to all the fans! It's especially been really great to hear from some of you guys that I've lost touch with :)

i spent time on this so here it is

2005-03-24T22:59:00.000-05:00

this is me at this time of the semester

make your own South Park self:
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=8346

obligatory post about "The Gates" (& pics!)

2005-03-15T01:59:00.000-05:00

As a resident of NYC, I feel the need to be like everyone else in the city and share my thoughts on Christo and Jeanne-Claude's "The Gates." This public art exhibition consisted of 7.503, 16-foot tall "gates" lining 23 miles of Central Park and was on display for 16 days this February. The inception of this public spectacle was dreamed up 25 years ago and the eccentric, artist couple had been fighting NYC bureaucratic red tape to realize it ever since. The Christos spent approx. $21 million of their own money (no sponsorhips or donations). That dedication and commitment to a vision alone had me awestruck.

Then there's the actual work itself! Everyone seems to have their opinion on The Gates. Some feel like it was a letdown compared to the Christos' past works (e.g. Wrapped Reichstag, Surrounded Islands, the Umbrellas, or Pont Neuf Wrapped). Some think it looks more like a construction site than an aesthetic...it's evident that the project makes for an easy target of satire and criticism. Others simply don't see the point at all.

On the two occassions I took a walk through the Gates, I honestly felt all of the above. I think my instinct as a pretentious, culture-poseur type was to intellectualize the experience and think "What, that's it?" But the pure visceral experience was one of true amazement by the project's scale and sheer audacity. Let me whip out the cliche book and say that I really felt like a kid again, strolling around in a park with really large objects. Walking through the Gates was simply (and there has to be a better way to put it, but whatever), "really cool." Moreover, there was a vitality to the Park that probably isn't very common in the forgotten, dreary month of February.

Approximately 4 million people visited The Gates, with about 1.5 million coming from out of town. A capitalistic, cynical type may argue that the revenue generated from the tourism drawn from the Gates (estimated at $254 million) is the only value of this ostentacious work. Whether people liked it or not, I think that the Gates were indeed a true work of art, eliciting strong reactions and inciting discussion among friends and strangers. If only people had the same ability to react and interact in passionate, yet respectful ways regarding other topics like religion and politics!

p.s. Enjoy the pictures!

double Gates along 72nd

2005-03-15T01:58:00.000-05:00

passing through the Gates

My name is Steph and I have a problem...

2005-03-07T01:13:00.000-05:00

I am suffering from a major case of debilitating procrastination. The other day, I read in someone's AIM profile that they have the very same problem of not being able to write papers earlier than the night before...I couldn't believe that someone else shares my affliction!

Seriously, for the last four years or so, I have written 98% of all major papers the night before they were due. And I'm continuing to struggle with this problem. The thing is that I am being positively reinforced to continue this bad habit b/c I still get good grades on them. I told someone about this the other day, and he said, "So what's the problem?" The problem is that the process of writing is just complete agony, and I end up berating myself over and over again, "This is hell! I am never going to do this again!" And what happens? Here I am writing a blog entry (well...it's been like three weeks since I posted! oh the excuses) when I have a midterm paper due tomorrow. Sigh. I've even attemped to unplug the ethernet cable from my laptop about 23 times today to prevent myself from going online and obsessively playing around on Friendster. Ahh, I need help!!!

With all the things going on in my life (part time job, school, research, attempting to be social every now and then), I feel like I'm going to have to snap out of this procrastination cycle or DIE!!! The fact that I have time management issues now makes me feel like I'll never survive in a doctoral program. Ugh, I feel so screwed! Do you have any suggestions? If there's a procrastination pill out there (who me, rely on a panacea?), please let me know!

p.s. I'm sorry for the totally self-absorbed nature of this post. I promise not to do it again (for a while anyway). More intellectual matter will follow.

A-D-D-I-C-T = 10 points

2005-02-07T02:45:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to inform the world that I am officially addicted to playing Scrabble online. I am currently playing 4 games at the same time!!! Plus, I've spent more time on Scrabble this weekend than on any of my reading (but at least my brain is getting some exercise).

The site calls it email Scrabble (2, 3, or 4 players). That means that you take your turns at your leisure, and after you play, the other players are sent an email notifying them of your play and that it's their turn.

My love for words, intellectually stimulating games, and procrastination finally meet at this grand nexus that is the Internet!

If you'd like to play a game w/ me, let me know! Or maybe you have a suggestion for a better Scrabble site. Here's the link for the site I'm playing on: http://thepixiepit.co.uk/scrabble/

Radio killed the pop star

2005-02-02T01:13:00.000-05:00

I thought it was about time I check back into mainstream society by listening to what's playing on the radio these days. (Take a wild guess whether this will be a rant or rave.)

Just listening for an hour made me remember why I decided to step into my (admittedly semi-pretentious) NPR bubble. So many of the songs and artists sounded the same...the same over-produced quality, the same uninspired lyrics. Blah. Then there are all the different groupings of artists meant to represent various personas: the angsty girl who is disgruntledly singing to the guy who jilted her, yet still maintains a tune that you can easily sing along to (Kelly Clarkson, Avril, let's put Ashlee here too-an aside: have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of "Lala?" it's obscene); the ensemble of thugs whose Kevlar vests that used to protect them from bullets now shield against a broken heart (or maybe some chick in the club who catches him getting busy w/ some other chick); the sensitive guys (band or solo) who seem to be singing for the sole purpose getting other girls to think they're sensitive and "deep;" the divas who actually have good voices but end up sounding just awful in their attempts to sound hot and sassy or just simply outdo one another in vocal gymnastics . And then there are just the no-talents w/ good producers (okay, I love Ciara's "Goodies," but she just doesn't have anything in the jar at all in terms of talent). Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention Nelly b/c I don't know what genre he falls into. Probably just the general "craptastic" category. All of this garbage just blends into one big blob of blah.

I guess that music's been going down this degenerative spiral ever since the Pop Machine came out of nowhere circa 1997 and the advent of Britney. But don't these things go through cycles? We're due for a renaissance in pop music sometime soon! I want to hear music on the radio that elicits a visceral reaction in me...whether that's to start singing at the top of my lungs, to burst into tears, or to bust a move by myself in my room. The only reaction I have is to mindlessly sing along and then shut the radio off after an hour b/c they're playing the same 15 awful songs AGAIN. Don't get me wrong, I know that there is good popular music out there...you're just not very likely to hear it on the radio (is that a paradox?).

Maybe I'm just getting old...sigh, I miss the good ol' days of B96.