power struggles

Pretty regularly, I have an existential crisis over whether I should go into a research career, whether I should enter academia. "Am I cut out for this?" I've always thought that to do well in academia, you have to have a certain amount of narcissism. Maybe not to megalomanic proportions, but let's face it...you have to think that you have something unique to contribute to a field. As a teacher, you have to think that you have transformative potential. There is always a certain amount of power in these positions, especially given the power of the academic institution.

Who the hell am I to think that I have something unique to say or do? What the heck do I know about ANYTHING? I really feel that I am fundamentally more a student than a teacher. A lot of it has to do with a lack of confidence and self-efficacy. I'm just a young woman in her mid-twenties who grew up in a middle class predominantly-White suburb, and for the most part, I've lived a somewhat insulated, privileged life. Sure, I've had some struggles coming from an immigrant family; my parents have sacrificed a lot. But for the most part, I've been able to do everything that I wanted to. I think about how I wouldn't be here today if I didn't have these privileges, if I didn't know the right people. From one perspective, there's a major attack of the Impostor Monster going on. 

From another perspective, there might be something dissonant between the highly competitive, individualistic culture of academia and my own socialization. Growing up, I was taught, "You really don't know anything." Call it fucked up family dynamics (In hindsight, I also see it as an intergenerational conflict between parent-child as my parents found themselves usurped of their power, knowing less than their U.S.-born children). But perhaps there is a cultural component, the value of being humble and blending into the crowd, respecting authority. These are all values that Filipinos (and I believe other cultures) prize. 

How could I have the audacity to think that I'm somehow special? That my ideas are better than anyone else's? In graduate school, I'm told that the best way to learn things is to basically lock myself in a room with my books, a computer, and JUST DO IT (which by the way is completely against my learning style, which requires more active, even kinesthetic modalities). The message is that I should do all that I need to do to "get ahead" which connotes competition over collaboration, not to mention sacrificing any semblance of a balanced family and personal life.  

I am not a power-tripping kind of person, and I really hate dealing with power-tripping people. Arrogant know-it-alls make me want to pull my hair out. Yet, I'm non-confrontational and when asked to defend myself or my ideas on the spot, I become flustered and shut down. Or I acknowledge the valid points of the other side and end up looking like I have no resolve.

So much of this is second nature to me. I would rather work together with others, each mutually respecting the perspective that we bring to the situation. Operating in this system that is so different from who I am as a student and as a person brings me full circle to the question: "Am I cut out for this?" Maybe the question should not be if I am cut out for a system that reinforces traditionally White, individualistic norms. Because I will almost always come up with the answer of "No." Maybe I need to reframe the situation and ask how my work and professional career can make changes in the system and the culture. After all, I am in grad school not just for status or to make my parents proud, but I want to somehow take my family and life experiences and channel them into something good for my community. So maybe that means making the system and the culture work for me and my community.

What I think needs to happen is:

A) Develop strategies for overcoming both the individual level challenges (increase self-efficacy through mentoring, increasing opportunities for leadership and professional development, etc) and the structural barriers posed by the institution of academia.

B) Find other allies within graduate school/academia who feel similarly oppressed and devalued. Dialog. Collaborate. Change the culture. 

- or- 

C) Give up and marry rich.

Summer of Steph

Besides the usual free pass from a world of adult responsibility, grad students have it good because we get "summer breaks." The quotations are in place because we're never really idle...most of us are working on the research that we didn't have time to fully devote our time to over the school year (esp for us counseling psych folks...hello, 14 credits of classes every semester!). I was fortunate to secure a research fellowship for the summer to work on an independent project, without the pressure of having to find a job so that I can spend my un-school time doing things that usually cost money (sigh). In case you're wondering, my research project is utilizing a data set of 3 cohorts of incoming first years, mostly students of color. In a nutshell, I'm interested in the different types of discrimination reported by Asian American vs. Black/African Americans and whether these differences predict outcomes such as well-being, GPA, and retention differentially. It is predicted by past research and some theory that Asian Americans would uniquely report more "perpetual foreigner" type of discrimination (e.g., people question your citizenship status), as opposed to discrimination that connotes inferiority. Anyway, that's what my proposal was for....but in actuality, I am going to have to take some steps back and learn some more stats like factor analysis (does anyone know if you can do dichotomous factor analysis on SPSS?) and reading up on the literature. It sounds like a lot of work, but I'm actually really excited to have most of my time devoted to getting dirty with the data (*resisting bad joke*).

The project will take up most of my time during the weekdays, but then I am FREEEEEEE!!! And how wonderful it is. I've already shared my declaration with some of you that this is the "Summer of Steph." This should not be confused with the disastrous "Summer of George."

[ Apparently someone/YouTube didn't like me embedding their Seinfeld clip on my page, so just YouTube "Summer of George" yourself. Heh, brings on a chuckle every time.] 

What does that mean exactly? Well, I feel like I am finally in a more stable place and ready to get my shit together. That means taking care of myself - mind, body, and soul. I'm trying to do things that I love and make me happy, like...

• Spending time outdoors riding my bike or running round/checking out the nearby lakes. That's a pic of Lake of the Isles above, just blocks away from my apt.
  
• Speaking of running...aiming to train for a 5K w/ some friends in Sept (there were some delusions about training for the 10-mile but then I realized that it's probably a good idea to be able to run at least 3 miles at a time without wanting to die).
• Hitting up the farmer's market.
• Tending to my new mini-garden! (See pic below) Consisting of lemon basil, thai basil, sweet basil, winter thyme, rosemary, and chives...and a little tomato plant that does well in compact spaces. 
• Reading for pleasure (what a CONCEPT!). I'm currently in the middle of an inspiring short book, If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland, which I'll have to blog about later. Also STILL reading Omnivore's Dilemma. Started rereading Pedagogy of the Oppressed. Hopefully get in some fiction by way of Love in the Time of Cholera and whatever else my short-attention span can handle.
• More cooking. More cupcakes. 
• Painting my apartment.
• Writing in my journal. 
• Outdoor summer music concerts and festivals.
• Breaking out the sewing machine!
• Happy hours.
• Spending time with the new friends I have made this year. Making even newer friends. Connecting with old friends.
• Finding an organization that I can devote some time to.
• Convincing my parents to buy me a Magic Mic so that I can karaoke in my living room.
• Learning more about likes, my values, my opinions....myself in general.
• Overall, being a growing, positive, confident, happy person! (*Cue the rainbows and sunshine*).

Throw in there FIVE, count em, FIVE weddings to attend and some random trips home...and that's a very full summer! No pressure to get it all done, and I'm content to just enjoy my summer moment-by-moment. I would hate to be in the midst of next year's madness (uh 3 classes + 17 hours at clinical practicum + research) and wish that I had made more out of my summer.

Reflections on Year 1

Hello Friends,

I survived Year 1 of my doctoral program! Though lacking in major travails or triumphs, it was nonetheless a year of adjustment and growth - socially, personally, academically. Just the other day, I realized that Minneapolis is the 5th city I have lived in the last 4 years (Evanston/Chicago, NYC, Boston, SF, Mpls). It has taken some getting used to the idea that I really am going to be here for the next four (or more?) years, but I am so relieved to feel like I can start to call a place home (though I still refuse to fork over my Illinois driver's license for a Minnesota one). Some of the most difficult adjustments have been personal - moving to a city where I knew literally one person, dealing with the loss of loved ones and relationships (including being single for the first time in my adult life, yikes), battling doubts of self-efficacy -which have definitely impacted my adjustment academically. There have been times that I doubted my choices leading me to this point. But ultimately, I prefer to strive towards growth, which is often preceded by discomfort and sacrifice (If only I could translate that to my exercise and nutrition life). I like to think of myself as living trial-by-error, always accumulating life lessons along the way.

I've already learned a few things thus far. I remember my advisor telling a group of us in September was that his advisor told him that, "You gotta fuck up at some point." Or at least it was something like that. I had a situation that I really felt like I fucked up this year, but I learned that it wasn't the end of the world. I learned about what I need to work on in the future and that it's better to ask for help than to fester in anxiety and self-doubt. Recently, I even began to see a narrative therapist (I will freely admit and do not want to perpetuate the stigma of counseling/therapy) who is helping me to better understand my relationship to Procrastination. But that's a whole 'nother topic for another time.

On a similar note, I learned that I need to develop my own set of standards for self-evaluation. Sometimes you want to know exactly what your professor or advisor is thinking of you so that you can see where you stand. But it is rare that they will offer the kind of validation that will vanquish the "Impostor Monster" (yes, I just made that up). In absence of that affirmation, I then turn to comparing myself to my peers. Well, that is certainly useless and further anxiety provoking because we all come from different places, do different things, and are dealing with different issues. Looks like I just gotta figure this stuff out for myself! That's probably one of the hardest things to accomplish, and I'm sure that I'll be working on it continually.

From the beginning, they tell you here, "No one is going to hold your hand." And that is true in a lot of ways; graduate school is an exercise in individualism and self-determination. That definitely runs counter to my personal living and learning style, but it is the reality of the academic world. I am continuously working to find a balance between those expectations and my own sense of being. As I look back, I realize that I need to be willing to be uncomfortable in order to learn valuable lessons, and this does not necessarily mean having to do everything alone. I am grateful for the tremendous support of my family, friends, and cohort who help me achieve my individual goals, even if they can't give me the answers or write my research proposals.

This first year in Minneapolis was like learning to crawl in many respects. I'm hoping that I can take the summer to gain the strength and courage to get on my own two feet and walk...hopefully by this time next year, I will have a gait of confidence, and within a few years, running without abandon (sorry, I love cheesy metaphors!).

OMGWTFBBQ!!!!

AHHHH! You have nooooo idea how HAPPY I am!!! I want to do a little dance!



I just got word that the manuscript for a research study I spent the last three years working on was just accepted for publication in The Journal of Counseling Psychology, which is totally freakin' awesome because it is APA's flagship journal in my field. Ahhh, my first manuscript acceptance to a peer-reviewed journal!!! My research team worked so hard on this, recruiting Chinese immgrant youth, their parents, teachers, and school personnel to participate in focus groups...translating and transcribing the Chinese transcripts... analyzing and reanalyzing the data into themes...writing up the manuscript, getting some very critical feedback that forced us to reconceptualize our findings...but all in all, the hard work paid off! But really, I'm not just happy about this publication as a bragging point or because I get to add an entry to my CV...I'm also excited that this work will now be a part of the Counseling Psychology literature, to be shared and disseminated among the canon of knowledge. We felt like the stories of these youth and the contexts they operate in are so rich yet often unheard, obscured by the general invisibility of low-income Asian immigrants and insidious model minority stereotypes. It is so validating that these issues are being taken seriously in the field.

Well, now that the manuscript was accepted, there's still a bit of the waiting game involved. The journal publishing process is quite long, so the article probably won't come out for another 18 months or so. But this is what will go on my CV:

Yeh, C. J., Kim, A. B., Pituc, S. T., & Atkins, M. (in press). Chinese immigrant youth in flux and out of place: A story of poverty, loss, and resilience. Journal of Counseling Psychology.

Thanks so much to all of you who supported me in the process of this work! ::hugs::